Illustration by the author

I recently signed up for a free trial of the video series Rethink Your Dink Shrink from the multi-level marketing company Hotel Pool Body. It’s all about calling regular at-home exercises new and exciting things so that by the time the 30 minutes are up, you’re like, “Oh, what? I guess I just worked out!”

The instructor is a total badass. Her name’s Summer Counteroffer and her breasts don’t move when she lays down for crunches. She calls them Ab Squats, though.

Her workouts are tough, but she’s super encouraging — to the viewers at home and most of the…

“Once you get a goat sacrifice in there, it’s simply over for my clitoris.” — Molly, Ohio mom

illustration by Emily Clouse

February 14th: Valentine’s Day. Where did it come from?

As a self-contracted freelance journalist with no other projects, it felt like my job to find out.

Unlike so many disgraced celebrities, my clients actually can cover up their transgressions.

Photo: iStock

Hello. My name is Raven von Fassbender. I am an artist, activist, vegetarian, beta fish doula, and the creator of the #MeTattoo movement.

My clients come to me in a state of shame and regret over having disgraced celebrities tattooed onto their bodies, and I help them find their way back by offering my forgiveness, creativity, and not asking too many questions.

I didn’t choose this work. This work came to me, in March 2018, in the form of a man. A man with a full-thigh tattoo of television personality Ryan Seacrest.

Emily Clouse

writer, artist, bed maker / //

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