The Role of Gratitude in Special Needs Parenting
This path can also lead to happiness
Despite the challenges of being a parent, few would disagree that having kids is one of life’s most rewarding experiences. But when it comes to parenting children with serious disabilities, most of us would rather pass.
Why is that? I asked myself this question when my daughter was born six weeks early and diagnosed with Prader Willi Syndrome (PWS).
We learn early on in life that people with disabilities are broken and a burden. Stories abound of parents struggling to help them learn to talk, walk and play. We hear of problems at school, the cost of their health conditions, and we think, what’s good about life if one can’t live independently, go to college, be successful?
As it turns out, there’s a lot more that’s good about life, and special needs kids teach us this. As a mother or father, it’s natural to be scared about what this journey may bring, because we worry we won’t have what it takes to be the loving parents these kids need. But if you spend a day with my daughter, you’ll laugh more than you thought possible. You’ll come away with a new definition of courage. And you’ll see what it means to live joyfully in the present moment — all of which we aspire to not only as parents, but as human beings.
I’ve met more than a few people raising children with disabilities who share my sentiments. The blessing of kids with special needs is that they will shape us into exceptional parents and better humans. The special needs journey is not one that most parents are eager to make, but it’s possible to love it and even be grateful for it. And doing so can be better for the whole family.
The scientific field of positive psychology — the so called “science of happiness”— has shown that gratitude is not only an emotional experience but also a practical tool. Practicing gratitude can help us sleep better, lower stress, develop positive relationships, and generally lead healthier lives.
In one study, researchers found that people who spent ten weeks journaling about what they were grateful for felt more optimistic and satisfied with their lives than those who wrote about daily events at random. The gratitude group also exercised more and had fewer doctor visits [1]. And out of a group of happiness interventions, gratitude was found to be one of the most consistent in terms of positive impact on daily life[2].
Obviously, it’s easy to be grateful for what we already enjoy in life. It’s a lot harder to find gratitude for something that we didn’t sign up for in the first place. Yet the research shows that positive coping tools like gratitude help us become more resilient with life’s biggest challenges. It’s most powerful when it’s of a higher order, meaning that we have the ability to appreciate our struggles [3].
As a special needs parent, I realized that the medical field isn’t of much use in giving advice about happiness (though it is crucial for a lot of other important things), and I needed to look elsewhere for that. During my daughter’s first year of life, we visited two endocrinologists, a cardiologist, nutritionist, neurologist and physical therapist. We were given a long ‘to-do’ list, but no one explained how to handle the stress of all those doctor appointments. More importantly, they didn’t reassure us that she could live a happy life or that we —her parents and siblings — could aspire to the same.
When I looked for research on the benefits that special needs children provide, I found that most studies address the negative impacts on families and on society. In fact, the point of departure is usually that having a disability is negative a priori.
I did find a single qualitative research study that asked a sample of parents: what are the positive impacts of children with disabilities? The results showed that children with disabilities not only have the same positive effects on their families as typical kids, they spur development of positive character strengths in their family members. That is, they help their parents and siblings to be better people. Parents also highlighted a greater appreciation for diversity and a sense of pride and joy in their children as positive aspects of the disability [4]. In other words, there are benefits that come from parenting a special needs child that we wouldn’t necessarily get otherwise.
I find it amazing how simply reframing a question can reveal a novel and positive perspective. It’s similar to the way we reorient our brains toward the positive with gratitude. Research shows why how works. In essence, our brains are activated differently when we focus on a “threat” as opposed to something that elicits a positive emotion. When we let go of fear and become grateful, the medial pre-frontal cortex of the brain is activated, which is also the part related to creativity, problem solving and a sense of security.
Practicing gratitude can help us find solutions to the challenges our kids face, feel happy despite our circumstances, and function in a positive way as a family.
Skeptical? That’s what happens when you take a novel and positive approach to something that society tells you is a disaster. But I’ve practiced it myself and can attest to amazing results. Here are four ways special needs parents can implement gratitude in their daily lives.
Practice gratitude
Making a list of three things we’re grateful for each day can help make our daily experience more positive. The more we dwell on what we’re grateful for, the more positive emotions we experience. As we practice, the process becomes more automatic.
Identify limiting beliefs about disability
Disability isn’t negative a priori, yet many of us believe that it is. Whether you believe that your child is a victim or that you have to sacrifice your own dreams, get curious about your beliefs. Become aware of what they are whether they’re serving you.
Find a grateful reframe
Once you’ve become aware of limiting beliefs, reframe them with gratitude. My child is the victim of this awful condition can become despite the challenges, I’m grateful for these moments of joy. Notice changes in your breathing or awareness and the positive emotions that result.
Make gratitude a ritual
Gratitude is only temporary if we don’t ground it in everyday life. In my family we do a round of “what went well today” at the dinner table. Find a ritual that brings the focus to what’s right or good in the family, and repeat it daily, weekly or as often as possible.
It might seem difficult to start out with the ability to be thankful for the experiences our special needs kids bring. For many of us, this is the toughest part of our lives. But as we practice recognizing the good in our families, we wake up one day with a grateful disposition. All of a sudden we realize that our child doesn’t need to be fixed and was never broken in the first place.
When we can look at our kids and feel grateful for this particular journey, with all of the joys and heartaches it brings, we know we’ve been transformed.
References:
- R. Emmons & M.E. McCullough, “Counting Blessings Versus Burdens: An Experimental Investigation of Gratitude and Subjective Well-Being in Daily Life”, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2003, Vol. 84(2).
- M. Seligman, T.T. Steen, N. Park and C. Pederson, “Positive Psychology Progress: Empirical Validation of Interventions, American Psychologist, 2005, 60.
- C. Lin, “A Higher-Ordern Gratitude Uniquely Predicts Subjective Well-Being,” 2013, Social Indicators Research, 119(2).
- M. Lodewyks, “Strength in Diversity: Positive Impacts of Children with Disabilities”, The Vanier Institute of the Family, 2016.
