Feisty is good! I like it.
Feeling defensive is normal, natural, and a completely valid emotion. But, if you’re getting defensive when you aren’t being personally attacked, you are invalidating the other person's emotions. That’s all I was trying to say. Defending your self when another person is expressing their emotions means you’re not listening to them and instead making it about yourself.
Basically I spent most of my adult life being completely willing to use words like, “racists”, or “misogynists”, or what have you, about other people and other groups, but if anyone ever pointed out these faults in me,I found myself feeling defensive because I saw myself as a “good white person” and I was defending that perception I had of myself from their critismism. Now if I find myself feeling defensive, I stop. I ask myself if I am really being attached, or just my ego. It is the only thing that has really forced me to listen and hear the perspectives of others. It is the only advice I have for healing the divisions between us all.