Published in The Belladonna Comedy·Jul 9And Now, For Some Personal News…Summer is in full swing, and we at The Belladonna hope you’re living it up! And now, for some personal news… We are looking for a social media contributor to join our team of volunteers! Here are the deets: Start Date — Later this summer Around — ~5 hours a…Comedy2 min read
Published in The Belladonna Comedy·Aug 4, 2021Member-onlyWe Need a Disney Princess Who’s Just As Obsessed With Disney As Me, A 34-Year-Old Adult WomanCan you even imagine the types of life lessons adult children of divorce who still use Disney as escapism to cope could take away from her story? — While I always try to adhere to Dory’s life advice to just keep swimming, sometimes it’s hard not having a Disney princess on the big screen that caters to my very specific and niche life problems, like being in my dirty thirties. Because Disney’s all about imagination, let’s have them…Comedy3 min read
Published in The Belladonna Comedy·Oct 6, 2020A 16th Century Noblewoman Congratulates You On Your Promotion to Senior AccountantSo, do tell! With your risen station, what perks will be bestowed upon you? — Merry day! The good news from LinkedIn hath reached mine eyes, that God hath blessed you plentifully with a rise in status from Staff Accountant to Senior Accountant. And my, how you’ve risen! Never would I have thought that you, Gary, son of two free-thinking language arts teachers, would sev’r…Humor3 min read
Published in Slackjaw·Jul 13, 2020Member-onlyI Told The Waitress It’s Your Birthday Even Though It’s Not Because I’m Fun, Spontaneous, And A Compulsive LiarQuick, okay, I know you’re not gonna love this, but while you were in the bathroom I kind of told the waitress that it’s your birthday. Eek! I know you’re not into churros because you’re allergic to cinnamon but I’m really into free churros so act surprised when they come…Humor4 min read
Published in The Good News Satire·Feb 7, 2020Breaking: One of the 5,000 Has a Fish Allergy and Needs AccommodatedAccording to Peter, just as Jesus had turned several fish into enough to feed all of the hungry, one of those 5,000 — a man named Jim — revealed that he has a dietary restriction to fish and therefore needed a fish-friendly option. “I’m grateful and all for Jesus’s magic…Comedy2 min read
Published in The Good News Satire·Jan 31, 2020Newsflash: Jesus Wasn’t Telling “Parables,” He Was Saying “Pair of Balls!”Wow, you could’ve had a V8! It turns out that literally this entire time, Jesus and everyone else in the Bible were never referring to what we thought were stories or lessons called “parables” — they were actually talking about various pairs of balls! Now that we know, we went…Comedy3 min read
Published in The Good News Satire·Jan 24, 2020Jesus Took Carrie Underwood’s Wheel As Requested, And Now He’s A Huge Car BuffAs Carrie Underwood’s number one hit song “Jesus, Take the Wheel” celebrates its fifteenth anniversary this year, Jesus has finally begun to address the events that transpired the night Underwood handed Him her wheel — and admitted that Underwood’s plea for help was what first got Him interested in cars. …Comedy3 min read
Published in The Good News Satire·Jan 14, 2020Beatrice Ann Wants YOU To Volunteer For St. James’ Winter Bake SaleGood afternoon, This is SJOC (St. James Orthodox Church) Volunteer Coordinator Beatrice Ann Nesbitt. I am contacting you to enlist your service in making your famous blueberry scones and/or New York-style cheesecake for the upcoming St. …Comedy2 min read
Published in The Good News Satire·Dec 15, 2019Scandal: Miller Family Switches From “Merry Christmas” to “Happy Holidays” in Holiday Greeting CardAll chaos broke out Sunday morning when The Miller Family’s supposed “Christmas” cards finally arrived in mailboxes. In a break from tradition, the Millers made the controversial decision to transition from season’s greetings of the holy, Christ-centered “Merry Christmas” to pagan and hell-bound “Happy Holidays.” Many family members and friends…Satire3 min read
Published in The Good News Satire·Nov 21, 2019Nativity Scene Cast List Announcement Email From Ms. KaneStudents — I, Eleanor Kane, am very excited to inform you all of this year’s cast for St. James the Apostle’s Sunday school Nativity scene. Before I announce the list, I’d like to go over a few key points to keep in mind as we begin rehearsals. The recent departure…Satire4 min read
