Tired

I am really tired of defending my decisions.

I’m not just talking about my major life decisions, and I am not reviewing the social injustice that comes with being a woman. I’m not standing up for my generation—the proverbial lost Millennials—although I think women and Millenials are, as people groups, tired of defending themselves as well. I am not drafting political commentary or writing slam poetry. I am simply stating that I am tired.

I am tired of defending my choices to do dumb shit. I am tired of explaining why I slept until 3 pm, or why I didn't sleep for three days. I don’t want you to question my decision to drink too much, drink nothing at all, drink beer, drink wine from a box, or drink wine from the bag that came in the box directly out of the nozzle. I am really exhausted, exhausted with telling everyone who asks why I ate frozen pizza for three meals in one day, why I ate no meals another day, why I made cookie dough and ate all of that before it made it to the oven.

I am tired of explaining myself to men who think they need to know why I am so picky, why I am not picky enough, why I don’t pick who they would pick, why I texted them twice in two hours, why I haven’t texted them in two months, why I am so needy, why I am such a bitch, why I wouldn't sleep with them, why I said I would sleep with them but then changed my mind, why I wear such tight clothing if I don’t want to sleep with them, why I don’t wear tight clothing and still expect to sleep with them, why I sleep with them once and then don’t want to sleep with them again, why I feel like sleeping with someone, or why I don’t feel like sleeping with anyone.

I am tired of defending myself to other women. I don’t want to explain to you why I wore high heels, why I wore flats, why I didn't straighten my hair, why I don’t just wear my hair natural, why I wear so much make-up, why I don’t wear jewelry, why I wear so much black, why I tan, why I don’t work out, when I do work out, why I am in a sorority, why I don’t have a boyfriend, why I haven’t had one in three years, why I spend so much time with men I’m not dating, why I’m not dating the men I spend so much time with, why I don’t think I want children, why I diet, why I don’t think I’m fat, why I curse like a mother fucker, why I laugh so loudly, why I cry so easily.

I am tired of explaining to the entire fucking planet why I am a Christian but don’t believe in denominations, why I am pro-choice, why I am a feminist, why I support gun rights, why support gay rights (and, while I’m here, gay people are probably tired of explaining themselves to everyone too), why I think diversity is important, and why I should be able to talk about this as a straight middle-class white girl.

And honestly, who cares why I do the things I do? Everyone needs to stop concerning themselves with me and do their own thing. That’s something I am tired of too.