I don’t believe in the “Millennial Generation.”

I mean it obviously it exists. People were definitely born between the years of 1980 and 2000. I myself was plopped onto a sterilized hospital bench in 1993, and I know that on the long list of labels I have but never asked for, Millennial is somewhere near the top. Cool, I guess. But if we’re discussing the negative connotation that comes along with having been born in Madonna’s hay day (which we are) I have declared myself a non-believer.

Google the Millennial Generation. Do it. After the Wikipedia and research center articles about how we may-or-may-not-have taken over the Baby Boomer generation as the largest to date (a happy thank you to young immigrants for that one) comes the gauntlet. Apparently we’re narcissists, socialists, communists, even socialists and communists according to the writers who were never exposed to the outside of a Wal-Mart Supercenter. We are liars and cheats and dirty, filthy sluts. We are lazy. We are entitled. We are far too addicted to technology. We are responsible for the breakdown of the American family (and I’m not going to link any of this shit because that would require me to spend several minutes of my life providing free advertising to people who write about how I’m going to Hell, so you will have to Google all of that too).

Chances are you were surprised by none of these accusations. You’ve heard them all before. How could anyone avoid them? I shouldn’t be surprised, though, because if my generation is the entitled generation, the Baby Boomer generation is the tell everyone around them that they’re entitled generation. I recognize the introduction of a tangent here, but you people spend your time blaming us for the woes of the world and we are all unemployed. I can’t afford to do any structural damage to society. I can’t even afford my electric bill. But, I digress.

The point of reminding all 20-or-so of my followers of this is to say to every other generation, with love, to go fuck yourselves.

Seriously. Fuck you. You have managed to manhandle the nomenclature of the most diverse, creative and educated generation thus far into one giant lump with the word “worthless” stamped on its forehead. What the hell did we ever do to you, aside from being born?

I don’t know what happened. I think that maybe the leaders of the media world all babysat the same little shithead in the late 80s, and then decided that we were all little shitheads. But, the problem with this is that most of the millennials who breathe air and pay taxes aren’t little shitheads at all. In fact, we don’t have the energy to be nearly as bratty as you say we are because I don’t know anyone my age who isn’t relentlessly paddling a canoe through Anxiety River while loaded down with a hundred pounds (read: thousand dollars) in debt.

Except wait, you told everyone we were unable to function well in the workplace because we are all a bunch of assholes, so no paddles (read: employment that pays above minimum wage). And we can’t really afford to make sizable investments, so no canoe (read: house, savings account). Oh, and all of our parents are about to retire. After which they will get old and need to be taken care of until they die, so let’s go ahead and say it’s raining.

If you didn’t catch onto my subtle metaphoric illustration, we’re drowning. We aren’t the entitled generation. We are the fucked generation.

I know this is also a generalization, and I’m not trying to be a hypocrite. But I don’t know anyone near my age who is comfortable with where they are now or confident they will be in the next five years, and I have a lot of friends. I also live in the Midwest, so if I can’t make a living nobody can. My rent is literally $325.00 a month and I still cry myself to sleep three times a week. Look what you useless-behind-a-computer nitwits are doing to me.

I typically advise myself not to write a rant-driven piece that has no real purpose, so let me leave you with a call to action: understand that we’re doing the best we can with what you gave us. And, if you’re wondering, what you gave us is pretty bleak.

And if you can’t say anything helpful… how does that saying go? Oh yeah, old people should be seen and not heard.