Stop Telling Women to ‘Act Like a Man’
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been told the key to success is acting more like a man, I could buy Jeff Bezos a warehouse in Queens. Or at least fix the damn subway.
This little nugget of wisdom has become so ubiquitous that it’s barely questioned. And while it’s certainly not unique to tech, the industry’s dismal statistics make it particularly relevant. Women account for approximately 12% of engineers, and even fewer in senior positions. Female tech candidates receive lower offers than their male peers 63% of the time, for the same role at the same company. More than half of all startups in the U.S. have zero women in their c-suite.
In a culture that clings so ardently to the meritocracy, the conclusion that men must be doing everything right feels inescapable. Women and men alike have absorbed it as gospel. Act like a man.
There are myriad problems with this approach. It’s steeped in patriarchy. It puts the entire burden on the marginalized party. It disregards the reality that quite often it’s not feasible to just “lean in,” because while men are pulling those long hours to get ahead, women are still doing more of the housework, more of the childcare, and more of the emotional labor (in and out of the office) than their male partners, even in couples in which both people have high-power careers.
But setting aside all that? It doesn’t even work. It didn’t work in the 80s, the age of pantsuits and short haircuts, and it doesn’t work in 2018, the age of pencil skirts and stilettos. Our definition of what constitutes a power suit may have changed, but the power imbalance remains largely the same.
It doesn’t work because women are consistently penalized in the workplace for the same behaviors that men are rewarded for, up to and including literally having children.
And so the well-worn axioms ring hollow and disingenuous, when you know that in practice they’ll be used against you.
- Fight for that promotion.
Men are driven; women are demanding. - Insist on being heard in meetings.
Men are self-confident; women are shrill. - Push your team to deliver against all odds.
Men are strong leaders; women are bitches. - Stop apologizing so much. Stop using so many emojis.
Men are assertive; women are, oh right, bitches again.
All around you, women have internalized these directives, executed them flawlessly, and found themselves still coming up short … because they were set up to fail. It’s no wonder they’re leaving the industry in droves.
What would happen if we flipped the script? What would it look like if — bear with me here — instead of telling women to act more like men, we tried telling men to act more like women?
- Fight for fairness and transparency.
Know your own worth, but also know the worth of the people you work with. Point out when someone is not being acknowledged for their accomplishments, and learn to recognize the unpaid labor so many are doing behind the scenes. Educate yourself on the very real wage and opportunity gaps that exist in the industry, and in the world. Lead the charge for an equitable system of compensation and promotion. Learn about unconscious bias and in what ways you may be guilty of it. Use whatever privilege you may have to lift others up. - Insist on everyone being heard in meetings.
Notice when people are getting talked over, and make it your job to ensure they get a turn to speak. (Keep in mind: women’s voices are literally, physically, quieter than men’s.) Recognize where someone else may have more knowledge on a subject than you do. State your opinions as opinions rather than as incontrovertible facts. Starting an idea with “I wonder if” or “Have you considered” is not a sign of weakness; it’s an acknowledgement that you don’t know everything and that the people around you possess valuable insight that you may lack. - Coach your team to do their best work.
Be open to pushback and conflicting opinions. Continue to learn and grow as a leader. Have compassion. Ask people, kindly, for what you need from them, instead of barking orders. Help them be their most productive and effective, while fostering an atmosphere that sustains their enthusiasm and morale. When they get something wrong, work with them to fix it. When they do well, praise them. Thank them. As often as humanly possible, show them their work has made a difference. - Err on the side of over-communicating.
Own your mistakes. Apologize when you screw up or hurt someone, even if unintentionally. And however many emojis you’re currently using, you need another one. More and more of our communication these days is asynchronous, and people cannot read tone. It sounded jokey in your head, and meanwhile someone is crying in the bathroom. It costs you nothing to throw in that extra smiley face … and an exclamation point while you’re at it.
Treating people with compassion should be reason enough to work just as seriously at the “soft skills” as you work on the rest. But if you need some more motivation, consider this: A happy team is a team that gets shit done. A happy team looks forward to coming in every day and is motivated to do their best work. A happy team doesn’t rage-quit when a seemingly minor incident sets aflame a year’s worth of built-up, unresolved resentment.
Besides, if men are doing everything right, why do women-led startups make more money? Why do companies with more women in leadership achieve greater innovation? Why is it that teams that include at least one woman solve problems more effectively and have a higher collective IQ? There’s an untold amount of untapped potential here, and another little piece of it dies every time someone advises yet another woman to man up.
Women spend their entire lives — literally from the time they are in diapers — being taught to manage their own and others’ emotions, to care for the people around them, to keep the peace and make sure everyone is happy. And it’s not limited to their personal lives.
It’s a ton of work. It’s exhausting. It’s rarely compensated. And it’s crucial.
Don’t get me wrong — men can and do learn soft skills too. I know men who are great at emotional labor, generally thanks to some combination of nature, nurture, and years of hard, intentional effort. But until we, as a society, prioritize raising them on it, those men will remain the exception to the rule. And they are not the men anyone’s talking about when they’re telling women who to emulate.
The strongest leaders I’ve known — of any gender — are not the ones vying to see who can bro down the hardest. They’re frequently not the strongest developer in the room. They’re rarely, if ever, the loudest voice. They’re the people who do the work to communicate clearly, to form close relationships and human connection, to empathize with users and colleagues alike, to look beyond the tech to see the humanity in the problems we’re solving.
Let’s stop fighting tooth and nail to stifle that instinct. Let’s stop trying to jam more egos into an already crowded room. Let’s try to all have a little more empathy, a little more attention to the humans we work with instead of just the machines. Let’s all take a moment to try leaning out … and listening.
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