Still learning…

Funny how sometimes in life, the most random people enter your life and cause the biggest changes. Most of these changes are contrary to the path we planned. The best laid plans…

My nature is to be an introvert. I can identify my spirit animal as a turtle. Presented with conflict or discomfort, I literally and figuratively pull my head in and hide. I protect myself from myself. I have strong opinions, solid viewpoints, mostly rational reasonings, but I lack self confidence. I internalize to avoid conflict. I’m a “yes man” and a wimp.

I realize this now that I’ve been challenged by someone who I never thought would mean so much to me. I realize that since I was a young child, no one really cared to hear my point of view, so I never bothered to speak it. I became studious and intellectual mostly just as a way of self preservation and, in all honesty, just a way to disappear. I never discussed my feelings, never voiced my hardships or fears, never showed the irrational and emotional side. Except once…

But that’s a story for another time.

But now, I’m challenged to share those deep recesses of my soul. And I’m terrified. I’m not used to someone actually wanting me to talk, never mind someone actually willing to push me to talk and taking the time to listen. And to remember. I’m used to being the caregiver. This feeling of receiving care is very foreign. I tend to attract narcissists who need instead of give. I’ve been habitually in that role of caregiver. Now someone wants to give care…to me.

This mutual friendship is proving to be challenging to me as I am confronting dark and buried places in my soul. Doors I closed long ago are knocking to be opened. And it terrifies me.

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