alone

All my life I have constantly felt like I was the forgotten friend. Since elementary school I have felt those occasional stings in my core when I see my friends doing something together without thinking to extend an invite my way. I feel like I’m a really social person, I’m constantly connecting with a lot of people and am involved in any social scene I am surrounded by. People know my name without really knowing me, I am discussed and sometimes dissected by people who don’t know me. And yet somehow I’m not really known at all. I spend so much time trying to figure people out and understand my friends inside and out and there have been very few times when I feel like my friends have done the same for me. It sucks sometimes but lately I have come to grips with it and it has created a haven for me to be alone with my thoughts. I constantly find myself alone or wanting to be alone. My lack of support from some (not all) of certain friends that I care immensely for has progressively built a shell around me that closes me off to people more and more. I have always been the friend that would drop anything to hang out, give advice, or just be there for someone I care about. I take pride in the fact that I can list the inner strengths and weaknesses of all of my good friends, because I take the time to carefully learn about each and every one. I know what makes them happy, and I know what breaks them. And unfortunately, I can only name a couple people who care enough about me to know more. I don’t remember the last time a friend sat me down and asked me anything about myself. When I really need someone there’s always homework, or a promise to another friend. Sometimes life gets really confusing and then it just gets even more tangled when I feel like I have no one to turn to for help. I can’t tell you how many times I have confided in someone only to have one of their other friends approach me the next day saying “blank told me what happened hope you’re okay!” It makes me feel like I am a fucking joke and that my entire life just serves to entertain the people that I (maybe stupidly) value. People are only interested in the fucked up things that happen with my family .. but no one ever asks about how I cope with them, or how I feel. I am constantly going out of my way to make sure my friends feel loved and appreciated, and it just hurts to know that basically no one takes the time to reciprocate. Everyone always told me that I might just be hanging out with the wrong people, but that is definitely not it. Because the people I hang out with seem to be invested in their other friends lives, but I guess there is something wrong with my life that causes them to be less interested in it. I guess I will someday figure out what that is, and hopefully change it, because it gets kinda lonely caring about so many people and then lying in bed at night trying to figure out if there is anyone out there that cares the same.

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