Keira Knightley and Stephen Moyer Made a Disney TV Movie in 2001 and I Watched It

Remember The Wonderful World of Disney? More specifically, remember The Wonderful World of Disney in the early aughts?

From 1997 until about 2005, The Wonderful World of Disney (née The Wonderful World of Color née Walt Disney Presents née Disneyland) produced dozens of made-for-TV movies for ABC (which The Walt Disney Company had recently purchased in a beautiful act of corporate synergy). Of these movies, we got a remake of Annie starring Kathy Bates, a remake of Rodgers and Hammerstein’s Cinderella starring Brandy and Whitney Houston and the Lindsay Lohan/Tyra Banks classic Life-Size.

Also, Princess of Thieves.

Between filming low-budget Broadway adaptations and fulfilling Lindsay Lohan’s six-film contract, we got some other examples of Disney trying to get the most out of their newly-purchased network. 2001’s Princess of Thieves stars Keira Knightley as Robin Hood’s daughter and Stephen Moyer, late of True Blood, as her love interest who is also a prince. (Side note: did you know Stephen Moyer is not a Southern American but actually English? I did not.)

I watched it. And this is what happens.

It starts with a voiceover retelling the usual Robin Hood story. But wait! We only know half of the story, the voiceover tells us. Robin Hood actually had a super-duper-secret daughter, whose story was “lost in the maze of time” because women never get credit for anything.

Speaking of never getting credit, Keira Knightley is billed third in these opening credits. Despite being, you know, the goddamn Princess of Thieves. Sure this was two years away from Pirates of the Caribbean, but she’s billed below Moyer and I’m having trouble confirming he did anything of note before True Blood.

So here we are in Nottingham. The year is 1184 and the Good King Richard is on the throne. Robin Hood is conveniently absent fighting a Crusade and mom is conveniently dead (insert Disney Princess joke here) so Robyn Hood is left to tend the family farm.

Okay, her name isn’t actually Robyn Hood. It’s Gwyn.

Gwyn is milking a cow and messing with her best friend, Froderick (not a typo). They roll around in the hay until Froderick jumps up really awkwardly because he clearly has an erection. Did I mention he’s studying to become a Friar? This isn’t at all important.

Gwyn is angry because she’s been snubbed by her dad again. Stealing from the rich and giving to the poor has the side effect of being a shitty father.

It’s okay, he comes back from the nondescript Crusade, albeit eight hours late. He immediately remarks how she’s grown into a “handsome woman” which is the biggest backhanded compliment a dad can give (did I mention this is the first time he’s seen her in five years?). He promptly leaves her again because he wants to talk to men and it will be made painfully clear over and over again that Gwyn is not a man.

We learn that Good King Richard is dying (offscreen as per the budget) and his evil brother Prince John is delighted because he can be King. “But what about Richard’s son?” asks some guy. But John’s all “nah, he’s a literal bastard, I’m only a figurative one.”

Unfortunately for John, said bastard son is en route from France and Robin has been tasked to protect him. Robin seems pretty amped get out of Nottingham too, since he’s been having trouble connecting with his daughter because she’s not a man. Gwyn wants to join her dad, but he says no because the woods are No Place for a Woman.

Gwyn gets mad and brings up the fact that Robin Hood, Hero of Nottingham is a deadbeat dad. Robin gives her his “I’m just trying to protect you” act because aren’t all bigoted dads just trying to protect their daughters?

Meanwhile, we get our first look at Bill Compton, Bastard Prince of England, sporting some glorious long curly hair. He’s travelling from France with his valet, who is also his best friend and probable lover. He’s mad because he doesn’t want to be a king because that means he has to have responsibilities and not just the perks (the Reverse Prince Harry, if you will).

Back at the farm, Gwyn cuts her hair with some dull scissors (this moment had a lot more tension when Mulan did it) and follows her dad. Did I mention that the scissors came from her sewing kit because it’s supposed to be symbolic or something?

From there we get Gwyn playing the poor man’s Arya Stark, stealing food, passing herself off as a boy and parkouring through the market. That is until Froderick joins her, because even a Friar with no athletic ability whatsoever can do better than a woman in 1184. It’s worth noting that Froderick is the worst.

But apparently we can do worse than Froderick, because Robin shows up to rescue Gwyn when she’s caught stealing. The Princess of Thieves is a really awful thief, evidently.

Gwyn tries to convince her dad that she really knows what she’s doing, but that’s quickly undone when she leads them right into Prince John’s trap and Robin is captured. Gwyn has to rescue her dad, but really she doesn’t seem too torn up about it because she knows it will make a great I told you so moment when she rescues him.

Back to Bastard Prince Moyer, who’s still sulking his way across the Channel. He’s in trouble because his valet/lover has been killed by one of John’s spies. But due to an amusing mix-up, John’s men think the dead valet is actually Prince Moyer. He’s home free! He has what he wanted all along! But at what cost?

It’s at this point a thankfully Froderick-less (where did he go? I don’t care) Gwyn stumbles across Prince Moyer and tries to steal his horse. He fights her for it until he realizes she’s not a man, so he lets her keep the horse. Because walking alone in the woods is dangerous for a not-a-man.

In the end they compromise when they realize two people can fit on a horse, and it gives them time to snark their way into romance.

They’re off to the Tower of London to rescue Robin Hood, since King Richard is now officially dead (again, offscreen) and King John is definitely going to hang him for treason. Also, Prince Moyer is still lying about being the valet. Because it all ended so well last time he did that.

Somehow they stumble into an archery tournament where the winner gets to dine at the castle with Prince John’s right hand man, the Sheriff of Nottingham. Gwyn and Prince, er, Valet Moyer enter.

Shocker of all shockers, Gwyn wins. The Sheriff notices the winner’s archery looks a lot like Robin Hood’s. But… Robin Hood doesn’t have a son!

Gwyn (and Moyer) dine at the castle and hatch a plan to rescue daddy. But! The Sheriff realizes they killed the wrong prince, er, valet, forcing the duo back into the woods. Luckily they find Froderick (ugh) and some guys who I can only assume are the Merry Men. Gwyn must have had time to send a raven back to the farm. They even managed to capture the Sheriff offscreen (we have a budget, goddammit) so they can exchange him for Robin.

Instead of developing the romance between Gwyn and Moyer, the filmmakers decided this would be a better time to build a Gwyn-Moyer-Froderick love triangle. Moyer gives Froderick the ultimate friendzone-by-proxy when he assumes Froderick is Gwyn’s brother. In return, Froderick lies to Moyer about being betrothed to Gwyn (you’ll make a fine man of God, Froderick).

This makes Froderick mad — so mad I assume it’s why he did an awful job of keeping guard overnight because the Sheriff escapes. Wah-wah.

With their leverage gone, the only solution is to storm the castle, baby! Moyer and Gwyn get an undeserved kiss (after Gwyn lets him know she’s totally not engaged to Froderick like ew), and Moyer subsequently reveals he’s actually the Prince. Gwyn is surprisingly okay with this.

Before they can get to any castle-storming, it’s time for a budget battle with the Sheriff. Froderick, out to redeem himself for being kind of a dick to his king and dropping the ball with the hostage situation, takes an arrow for Moyer. Unfortunately, he doesn’t die.

Even though Froderick is not dead, nor does he look remotely close to dying because this is a TV-PG movie, Gwyn is out for revenge. Or, even more revenge. She makes a vow to Moyer — a vow to smash them.

No, really. She says she will smash them.

Moyer takes the raging Gwyn dramatically by the shoulders, and tells her everything will be alright. This calms her down. Glad that was resolved so quickly.

Cut to Gwyn and Moyer finally storming the goddamn castle. Well actually, first they have to break Robin out of torture jail. Then they can storm the castle — as a family!

Gwyn breaks her dad out, which is met by him with a resounding “I could have done it myself.”

Our humble Hero of Nottingham, everybody.

Guess there isn’t much time for a “Thanks Gwyn, I love you.” They’ve got to be quick, because Prince John’s coronation is happening at the same time, because tension. Will our heroes make it in time? Luckily the coronation is going as slowly as humanly possible, so chances are they will.

Another moderately-budgeted fight ensues, and Gwyn gets her big moment to rescue Dad from being killed by the Sheriff. The Sheriff realizes, upon seeing Gwyn with her arrow drawn, that she was the man from the archery tournament. Scandal!

Meanwhile at the coronation, Moyer steps in at — big surprise — the moment the crown is being placed on John’s head. Moyer asserts that he is the rightful king (and also he’s not dead guys, just your regular mistaken identity hijinks).

John asks for some backup to get rid of this annoying bastard Moyer. Nobody comes forward. All these people who were supportive enough of Prince John that they came to his coronation were apparently holding a deep hatred for him also. Maybe they came hoping some French bastard prince would show up and depose him.

And Gwyn shows up for Big Moment #2, where she gets to tell off John for imprisoning and torturing her not-that-great-of-a-dad (and also taxing the poor or something). His days of tyranny are over — Long Live King Moyer of England.

We also get an epilogue to tie up those loose ends. Froderick is Moyer’s foreign policy advisor, because he must have been really passionate about foreign policy? Moyer tells Gwyn he loves her, but Gwyn says they can never be together because this is the Dark Ages and the future King of England won’t be able to marry a commoner until 2011 when Moyer is the Vampire King of Louisiana.

Gwyn and Robin get their heart to heart. Robin admits he didn’t know how to be a dad to a girl, because girls shouldn’t go around shooting arrows and stealing from the rich and deposing kings. But since the boat has sailed on that, maybe Gwyn can join Robin on his adventures.

Finally, the voiceover narration returns. Though history has forgotten the reign of King Moyer (no really, that’s their excuse — I guess education wasn’t one of Moyer’s campaign promises), he never married because his heart belonged to Gwyn. Awwwwwww. So… what happens when he dies? Better hope Moyer has some bastard kids floating around France.

That’s Princess of Thieves. A poorly budgeted, very campy piece of the pre-streaming era.

The Wonderful World of Disney banner hasn’t been used regularly since 2007, and the new made-for-TV movies disappeared around ‘05. ABC still pulls it out every so often when they do a special to promote a Disney Park or Broadway show or the making of Frozen, but I don’t expect to see it return as the Sunday night fixture it was in the late ’90s. Today, ABC is content to exploit their company properties on Sundays with Once Upon a Time.

In the meantime, we can remember The Wonderful World of Disney for what it used to be, before Peak TV. Where production values were lower, Sunday nights less valuable, and Stephen Moyer had glorious, glorious hair.