5 Relationship Fights That are Detrimental
With no exception, all couples fight, argue, and hurt each other's feelings (un)intentionally.
All couples fight the same fights, but there are some important nuances that make each individual couple's fights unique.
Some know how to fight productively; they resolve their issues and avoid nasty arguments, among many other things. But others fight so intensely and break each other's hearts so badly that they fall further apart with each fight.
How do fights start?
Sometimes fights occur when one partner doesn't validate the other one's pain or feelings.
Some fights occur over the most foolish things that leave you hopeless about whether the relationship is any good. Other fights start when your partner does something that upsets and disappoints you, and you feel the urge to change them.
Even if you have the best intentions when you ask your partner to change a few things about them, your partner will likely feel attacked, scolded, and criticized.
Just a single comment or action can ignite a long, painful battle that makes you say awful, unforgettable things.
Repetitive fights can leave deep emotional wounds that are hard to heal.
When you are convinced you're the innocent victim of your partner's vicious attack, that your reactions are justified, that you're always right, and that your partner is ultimately, utterly wrong, you can never straighten out your misunderstandings.
It sounds cliche, but if a couple could calm down enough to listen, see the big picture, take responsibility for what they've contributed to the fight, and get more interested in understanding one another, they may have a chance at saving their relationship from so many disputes.
If you think your relationship is worth saving, consider trying couples therapy first.
So, here are the most common relationship fights that can destroy a relationship:
1. The blame fight
Every time something terrible happens, it's the other person's fault.
One may blame the other for all the money problems, the dishes piling up in the sink, a lousy vacation, a burned dinner, a missed opportunity, a crummy restaurant choice, a disease, etc.
If you tend to blame your partner for problems or issues, you sabotage the relationship.
I know that some finger-pointing is justified, as sometimes the person being blamed for the problem is actually at fault but refuses to take responsibility.
When you only see the problems as the other person's fault, you force your partner to either get defensive or fight back.
Sometimes, blame and finger-pointing can cause the most trouble in relationships.
Thus, you can only create real change once you both sit down to talk about things, take responsibility for your own faults, and respect your partner's needs.
2. The proving your point fight
Suppose you constantly have to prove your point in the relationship. In that case, you either still haven't found the proper way to communicate your frustrations, wants, and needs, or your partner no longer cares about you and the relationship.
Relationships aren't a competition, but sometimes they feel like they are.
One might feel that they give, do, or work too much and think the other takes them for granted and never appreciates them.
In some cases, each partner can see themselves as the victim of the other's actions. During the conflict, all you can feel is your pain.
But as there are always two sides to every story, each partner may feel the need to bring arguments to make a convincing case for their point of view. And even though both partners can be right, neither feels heard or understood, so the fights repeat themselves constantly.
Until at least one of them becomes aware of the hurt they cause each other and realizes that both may be right at the same time and that it's worth seeing things from the other person's perspective, the misunderstandings will not stop. Fighting will turn into nagging and escalate into deep personal attacks.
3. The career and money fight
Couples fight about money when they can't agree on their financial priorities, status, and lifestyle.
No one likes to lose financial security, so sometimes people become extra protective about money, which creates conflict.
When money is a limited resource, a couple may fight intensely when one of them thinks the other one spends too much on stupid, superficial things, doesn't contribute enough (or at all) to the savings account, doesn't earn enough, and thinks their job is more important than their partner's as they make more.
Finding a solution that preserves both partners' security and freedom can be challenging if a couple has a major disconnect in their lifestyle regarding money.
A simple compromise only works in the short run. Thus, it's best to have less judgmental conversations about your history with money to understand each other's values, priorities, and vulnerabilities around money.
When you understand your partner's relationship with money, you can have more empathy toward them, and you may be able to find a solution that works for both of you.
4. The household responsibilities fight
A relationship runs smoothly when both partners do nice things for one another and help each other with the ordinary tasks in life. Yet this behavior tends to happen only at the beginning of a relationship.
Over time, when you get used to each other, you might skip taking care of some responsibilities at home, and they will inevitably fall on your partner's shoulder.
When your partner ends up feeling too overwhelmed to do more than their fair share of the housework, they may try to communicate with you. Thus, a conversation can become a fight as everything your partner says feels like a personal attack or a big complaint.
The complaints will continue until both of you agree to sit down and (re)negotiate who does what, how to divide the household responsibilities fairly, and promise to do your job.
5. The difficult relative and friend fight
Many relationships end when one partner doesn't agree with the other one's friends or relatives. This happens when a couple holds opposite views regarding a difficult friend or relative.
If you have a negative opinion about your partner's friend or relative and want them to cut ties with them, you must understand that you might ask them too much.
If they are toxic people who make your partner's life miserable, you can explain your point of view to your significant other and let them decide for themselves.
It's always best to cut ties with toxic people, even if they are family.
Other relationship fights:
- The parenting differences fight. We all have our own ideas of how to raise a child. Yet, when one of the partners has a different approach to parenting, it can create a major conflict between the couple.
- The birthday fight. Birthdays always matter. It would be best to continue creating surprises and celebrating your partner. If your significant other wants a big party, please respect their wishes. Please tell your partner if you don't like that attention regarding your birthday. But just because you don't want to make a big fuss about your birthday, don't make your partner feel bad because they like celebrating big.
- 'You don't care about me' fight or 'You don't appreciate what I do for us' fight. Every time your partner feels neglected, disrespected, and taken for granted, they will think you no longer care about or appreciate them. When you offer enough attention and appreciation, you prove your love.
- The intimacy fight. This always starts with dissatisfaction and expectations that still need to be met. Many expectations and disappointments can create tension. For whatever reason a sex fight starts, it's helpful to understand what triggers it so you can empathize more with one another and avoid judgment and misinterpretation.
When you believe that only your pain is real, all your efforts to end the conflict will worsen things.
A couple must realize that they both are suffering, feeling unheard and misunderstood, and that no one's pain is more valid, relevant, or bigger than the other one's.
When you look at your partner with empathy, understanding, and compassion, the fights melt away without leaving emotional scars.
