The Bachelor Fan-Fiction

(In my version, Mackenzie wins.)


Chris Soules hands Mackenzie the final rose. “Is this the final one, though?” Mackenzie asks. As she looks around, she sees the other girls have all taken off their bikini bottoms to sob into them, and so their butts and vaginas have those black “censor” bars over them.

Mackenzie yells, “Yay!” She kisses Chris in an uncomfortable way, where you know this will definitely last forever.

Cut to:

Mackenzie and Chris Soules are in their terminal at LAX waiting to go back to Chris’s farm in Iowa. Mackenzie sits in one seat, and Chris sits in three, because his legs are spread out like he’s doing the splits.

Mackenzie takes a sip out of her Arrowhead water bottle, as Chris checks his Yahoo mail app. Then her face catches his eye.

“Your face looks different,” Chris says.

“I’m not wearing make-up,” Mackenzie says.

“Oh, I like it more better this way actually. I like a girl who doesn’t have to wear make-up, because on the farm, no one wears make-up. It would make the horses jealous. I like a girl who look can hot without trying to look hot, you know? Just natural. Except maybe plus adding a little bit of eye-liner would be ok with me,” Chris says.

“Oh, would it?” Mackenzie says, a little bit sassy.

“Wait, what?” he says, and smiles. She smiles too. They’re both thinking of the word forever.

When they get off the plane, Mackenzie thinks she smells weird, but doesn’t say anything. They get in a cab, and then she decides she actually will say something.

“Do I smell weird?” she says.

“No,” he says.

They get out of the cab at Chris Soules’ farm. It looks like what I think a farm looks like from children’s books, and from the movie Babe. There’s a red building with a big square door and a chimney, then there’s a few animals and an axe and a shovel and a pile of manure and there’s an old guy with a straw hat slouched down in a corner somewhere, with a long stick of grass coming out of his mouth. Oh, and buckets. A lot of buckets.

Mackenzie is now wearing a bikini with one of those gold chains that connects the top and bottom or something. Chris is fully clothed, minus his pecs peaking out the unzipped V-shape of his American Apparel hoodie, like two faces smooshed between the peaks of two mountains, both trying to get into the middle of the mountains.

“Wait, this is what a farm is?” Mackenzie asks. Chris Soules laughs, in a giddy sort of way, like a pre-teen, except his mouth is smaller so the laughs come out tiny and in little spurts. He doesn’t answer.

“No but seriously,” Mackenzie says, “Is this a fucking farm? What do you even farm?”

“There’s no way to ever truly know,” Chris says, deeply. Chris looks into Mackenzie’s eyes. “I’m really happy we’re together here,” he says, “In a together sort of way, here, now, with us.” Mackenzie looks at him as he slowly unzips his hoodie a little bit more, revealing a few chest hairs strewn across his giant size D pectorals. She immediately softens, remembering why she’s here, now, together, and how amazing it all is.

“You know what I like?” Mackenzie asks.
“No, what like you?” Chris asks back.
“I don’t know, I was asking you,” Mackenzie says.
“I don’t know this riddle,” Chris whispers into her ear.
“Ugh, let’s just go. You can teach me how to milk a cow.”
“You mean pig, city girl.” Chris tries to wink but just shuts both of his eyes tightly.

Mackenzie and Chris walk through the fields and they go through a lot of white picket fences where Chris has to unlatch the door for her. It’s just fence after fence after fence. They talk about her 1-year-old son, who is off with a relative or something, and how brave it is of her to leave him.
“What are you thinking?” Mackenzie asks.

“Umm,” Chris says, trying to think of something really fast. “I’m thinking about you just asking me what I’m thinking, and how amazing that question is.”

“You’re smarter than I thought,” Mackenzie says.

Chris feels at ease, here, with her now. And then before, and also again.

“Tell me why you chose me,” Mackenzie then demands of Chris.

Suddenly, Chris remembers what he said in the beginning of the season: “Blonde, brunette. It doesn’t matter, as long as I have that connection.” He stares at Mackenzie’s auburn hair, confused, trying to place it into one of his two categories. Luckily, Chris is quick on his feet.

“I chose you because you’re brave, strong, and a combination of those two. Like one of those tubes of pretzels that also has Cheez Whiz on the inside. You’re everything.” Also, he decides her hair is definitely more on the brunette side.

“Whoa,” Mackenzie says.

Chris Soules stops in his tracks and grabs Mackenzie’s hand. She stops too, because he made her. He looks deep into her eyes and says, “Whoa is something you say to horses. I should know; I’m a farmer.” They kiss, but in a weird way where his lips come out really far away from his head, and so do hers, so only their lips are touching but literally no other parts of their faces touch each other.

“Remember when you kissed those 29 other girls?” Mackenzie asks, like a jealous lunatic.

“Yes,” Chris says. “It was the best.”

“But you’re happy to just be kissing me now?” She asks, unreasonably.

“Well, being on The Bachelor and having 30 beautiful-amazing-strong-brave women made me the luckiest man in the world. That’s one thing of which I’m sure of. But being just with you? Well, it puts me somewhere in the top 50.”

Mackenzie blushes so much her eyes get bloodshot and then a few seconds later, blood starts coming out of her ears. They continue to traipse across the dirty grass, their backs to the setting sun.

“I think we’re walking the wrong way,” Mackenzie says.

“Okay,” says Chris.

They turn around and re-walk the opposite way, their fronts to the setting sun. But we see their backs as they walk into it. It’s amazing.

But then Ashley S. comes out of nowhere and murders them both with a knife, and she drags their bodies behind a tree.

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