Why I just let a total stranger stroke my clitoris for 15 minutes

and how i’m committed to sexual and spiritual self-sufficiency

I’m no stranger myself to the highs and lows of dealing with managing my sexuality as a single woman.

When I say “dealing with” I mean spending normally 4–9 months being sexually frustrated and then a few weeks at a time plotting and drinking my way into bed with someone hot and vaguely entertaining in a desperate ploy to release my pent up sexual energy.

I then have sex with them often without using a condom to “bring us closer”, because somehow, in my drunken state, my coil and having been on a couple of dates feel like sufficient protection and I operate in the misbelief that skin on skin contact will be the catalyst for some sort of nuclear sexual explosion, and then promptly wake up blaming them for not being responsible for MY sexual health before reprioritizing my time to ensure that they don’t feature highly enough on the to do list to have an ongoing role in my life.

Nice.

I’m basically an undateable, frustrated, sexual predator.

I can use all the tricks in the book to get my potential target into the position I want him in (reverse cowgirl?) but when I get there, despite my best efforts the emotional connection is usually as flaccid as an empty condom and I lay there like a wet fish, not really present to the experience around me but instead all up in my head trying to think my way to an orgasm by closing my eyes and imagining a more erotic scene or that he is someone i previously loved or desperately holding my breathe whilst trying not to look like a tomato.

I generally find myself getting anxious or irritated that I can’t come or he is lasting too long or not long enough or can’t keep it up or occasionally i suddenly stopped finding him attractive at all.

It’s not exactly the dream I’ve built it up to be in my head.

I mean it’s fine, really, it normally does the job, but who wants “fine” sex when you can have EXTRAORDINARY LIFE-CHANGING sex?

I was sat in the sexual health clinic the other day getting another “between partners” check up to ensure the last victim hadn’t unexpectedly given me the romantic gift of chlamydia when I decided that enough was enough! What was I doing? Who is this reckless and dissociated girl? I have so much love and moral strength in me why am I letting myself and these poor men down when it comes to sex?

I love sex, I really do….and when I can be present and experience that emotional/physical/spiritual connection, it takes me to a higher level of consciousness. In truth i know that’s what i’ve been missing and it saddens me that it’s not in my life. However, that’s not the sex I’m having and until it is I need to somehow find a way to be sexually and spiritually self-sufficient.

This whole area of understanding and managing our own sexuality can be a quagmire of personal and socially constructed beliefs. It’s riddled with shame and judgement from self and others.

Having been exploring my own sexuality I’ve realized that, as with the rest of my life, my sexual self is a reflection of my overabundance of the masculine energy….that side of me that is hot, that wants immediate gratification, that is dominant and fast. I don’t take well to the man who doesn’t fill the needs of my Yang self. Good luck to he who tries to be the one who decides when our first kiss will happen, who tries a display of strength without anticipating a fight back or who doesn’t perform for me again in the morning!

Two weeks into my vaginal training and I’m getting really excited about working with my sexual energy and my reproductive organs to reconnect with the feminine in me. I’ve learned so much already! … Like how the vagina has three sections, where the g-spot is, all about vaginal reflexology and how the inside of me maps to health in my other organs. I’ve learned how the release of pent up emotional trauma and energy trapped inside me can “give birth” to a whole new freer, more joyful version of myself capable of multiple vaginal orgasms (on the bucket list), female ejaculation and unlimited creative and magnetic potential. It’s really exciting stuff!

I’m also loving my homework! Aside from meditations and Tibetan Yoga moves and deep soul searching questions about how well I am in communication with my vagina (we have the equivalent of a very long distance relationship), I have now made a spiritual connection with my new jade egg and have to basically shag it for 15 minutes everyday and masturbate loads in order to regenerate new neural pathways from this weak and semi-dead part of my anatomy.

And I’ve always been one to do my homework:-)

If I ignore the fact that the estate agent arrived 20 mins early yesterday and I had to answer the door with a VERY flushed face, notably damp knickers, frustration from being few mins off climax and with a resounding terror that my sex toys were left out on the side in my bedroom, which he was about to inspect, it’s all been going very well.

So how has this led me to allowing a stranger to stroke my clitoris for 15 minutes?

Well…the world being what it is a strange chain of events initiated from the break up with a previous conquest led me unexpectedly to stumble across the practice of “Orgasmic Meditation”.

This is in fact a consciousness practice, not a sexuality practice, which awakens the feminine in both men and women, releasing our minds from the trappings of thought in order to unleash our desires, fears and powers out into the world where we can deal with them or channel them to transform our lives!

Sounds good right? And totally aligned to my new commitment to re-balancing my own energy and strengthening feminine energy on this planet in order to help it heal.

The only snag is that it requires the women to learn to surrender and receive in order to strengthen the feminine power within her which, in this scenario, means she takes off pants, lies in a “nest” of blankets and pillows and surrenders to her practice partner and to the experience fully for 15 minutes as he strokes her clitoris in a rhythmic, gentle fashion.

The man is fully clothed. The act is not reciprocated. It is clinical and safe.

Over hundreds of “OM’s” each partner eventually learns to let go, to come out of their heads and into the sensation in their body until eventually the connection becomes on such a level that the energetic transmissions can be felt and shared between the two people.

As are you develop the practice you learn to clear away and unlock and heal those parts of us that are that are desensitized and storing undealt-with past experiences until you reach a point of freedom, connectivity and creation….until you can “get off” in an energetic sense, from every stroke.

So there I was…..on my back with no pants on, with around 15 other semi-naked women from all different walks of life, in a small room near Angel, listening to the tears, moans and silence of my fellow practitioners, with a man I met just this morning sat at my hips, wearing a rubber glove and desperately trying to follow the guidance of the coach to find that spot on my clitoris that was going to give us just one moment of god-like connection to each other and to Source.

We felt something, if only for a few seconds.

I’m not going to say it wasn’t awkward, because it was, not least of which in the “noticing” stage, where he had to describe what he saw looking at my “pussy” (I need to get into the official lingo) and I was told he could see the clitoris and it was a deep pink and looked “healthy”. Thanks…I think? (sexual health check up results pending…)

There is a long way for me to go to get in touch with this side of me that I have suppressed for so long….not the side of me that drops my pants for strangers (after a very long conversation with myself about what state of affairs my public hair should be in and some contortion with a mirror), but that side of me that can slow down and learn to be vulnerable and to receive, to be closed and patient, to sustain and harness my intuition and desire.

However I know there are lots of ways to strengthen this side of myself without resorting to these extremes, such as taking a complement, letting someone hold the door open for me, letting what will be be and not being outcome focused and I will continue this journey of finding sexual and spiritual balance with myself inside and outside “the nest”.

In the practice of orgasmic meditation “orgasm” is a state of being “turned on” energetically. Of being attentive and present and feeling the energy in your body and the energetic connection to others.

It’s not about climax. It’s not about the goal. It’s about the feeling.

As so many things in life it’s not about the destination but the journey

So from now on I’m dropping my goal-oriented approach to sex and dating and developing my sexual relationship with myself so I’m not reliant on others for fulfillment in ANY part of my life.

Then and only then do I know I’m ready for attracting that partner who is going to blow my mind and soul and have me ejaculating all over our camper van.

Until then i’m going to pop a little crystal into my pussy every day, tell it all my hopes and dreams and prepare myself for endless close-call masturbation incidents with estate agents, postmen, lodgers, cleaners and the occasional double-glazing salesman.