A Guide to Popular Remedies For Chronic Illness

Eliminate stress.

The logistics may seem daunting, but you’ve got this. It’s your fashion line, you’re the boss — no need to put in two weeks’ notice: simply vanish. Tell the Marilyn Agency in New York City that your modeling days are over, no explanation necessary. Call Joanne at the stable and tell her that your amateur riding career has come to an end; she can give all your thoroughbred horses as gifts to your friends from the Ethel Walker School, the elite Connecticut boarding academy you attended before enrolling in Columbia University. Then, kick up your feet, put some sliced cukes over your eyes, and let your health woes waft away, like July bonfire smoke on the beach in the Hamptons. You are literally Ariana Rockefeller so none of this should be a problem.

Harvest a massive geode from inside an active volcano, fill it with water from the Dead Sea, and — this last part may seem counterintuitive, but just trust me — drink that when Mercury is in retrograde.

Few people think of this on their own, but the instant they hear it — well, it makes perfect sense!

You should really try yoga.

Nonstop pain, fatigue, and myriad other distressing symptoms can make any movement difficult, let alone the Cirque De Soleil-style physical contortions associated with yoga. What you don’t realize is, you need yoga. You just do. Specifically, Bikram (A.K.A “hot yoga”). Go to a class led by a former Navy Seal in Delray Beach, Florida, in a windowless room that’s 120-degrees. Somehow fail to bring a water bottle and develop a psychedelic migraine almost immediately. No matter — press on. You must impress the military guy. He’s watching you with a look of disgust, you’re worried you might puke, your heartbeat is so fast you now experience it as a vibration throughout your entire body — and have you ever felt more alive?

I have a guy. Just trust me.

The guy has a mind-blowing ability to put his hand on your forehead and tell you he’s accessing your Bossy-Pants Taskmaster. He will then put his palm on your diaphragm, which is where your Spleens of Lives Past dwell. Finally, by pressing the bottoms of your feet he will attune himself to your repressed Passive-Aggressive Bridesmaid. All of this enables him to give healing advice such as “Forgive your ancient Egyptian self for getting so starstruck by Cleopatra riding her bicycle that he rammed into that pyramid” and “In a week — no, four, five days tops — you’ll be luminous! Iridescent! Neon!” and “I’m getting a message! It’s saying: ‘Hold me closer.’ And then: ‘Count the headlights on the highway. Lay me down in sheets of linen. You had a busy day today.’ I’d say that message from your inner Tiny Dancer speaks for itself!” If you feel furious that someone in your life persuaded you to spend $300 on this shit, congratulations! Now you have the very same feelings that perfectly healthy people have after recruitment into pyramid schemes.

Cut out sugar.

Cut out gluten. Cut out dairy. Cut out seed oils. Cut out meat and fish. Just cut out anything that’s white, beige, or red. Do the Atkins diet. Go Paleo. Keto. Eat 56 different colors of vegetables every week. Eat like a lawnmower. Eat like a rabid coyote. Juice. Juice everything. Fall apart, drink your own tears. Enjoy Cacio e Pepe, spaghetti carbonara, maritozzi, gelato (when in Rome!). If you crave soul food, say a prayer. Stop making sense. Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn. Go ahead, make my day. I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse. Here’s looking at you, kid. A dingo ate my baby. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You can’t handle the truth.

Cannabis, especially Indica and hybrid strains, cures every single malady that a person can suffer from.

Bro…

I have the best chiropractor! He will change your life.

The chiropractor takes one look at you and says: “Your bones are wrong. All wrong. This one, the knee bone? It migrated to your shoulder. This one, the knuckle bone? It is a tooth now. Everything is misplaced. There is no making sense of such a body. I must move your bones around, much like the squares on a Rubik’s cube, until — one by one — they slide rightly into place and you will know I am a genius.” Lo! When he is done rearranging all your bones, you reflect on the words that brought you to his office, and you must admit: your life is changed. Forever.

Just lose some weight.

Disregard. Only recommended by assholes.