Some of us manage to hold the stresses and strains of life under the surface without expressing it outwardly.
For others its a little different . The hiding shows up as illness.
Skin rashes
Heart palpitations.
Difficult digestion.
Autoimmune disease was my body’s way of letting me know.
I held lots of unexpressed feelings and emotions. A feeling that I had to keep it all down, to control every aspect of myself.
I felt unable to express my voice in case of causing others distress, unable to be myself. I didn’t feel acceptable as I was, I had to change to fit with everyone else’s needs.
Searching for acceptance, for love, to be seen and heard, the fight began within and remained there.
The internal conflict of longing to belong but so scared to let anyone through the armour showed up as irritation in the body.
Underlying the irritation was anger but inevitably the anger was a cover for sadness. The sadness of not being enough.
Autoimmune disease has a few triggers, stress being one of the main ones. If you have autoimmune disease it’s likely that your nervous system has been on high alert and in fight/flight. Never knowing where the next threat, explosion or drama is coming from and perhaps even anticipating it.
Sleep is affected because of this chronic stressful state. Being unable to completely settle into a deep rest began at around the age of eight for me. The body is unable to regenerate or heal itself or to process anything.
Emotionally, confusion exists. Nourished on a diet of emotional explosions alongside love and care is difficult to understand as youngster and this can lead to difficulties with personal boundaries and especially trust.
I felt thwarted in my personal growth and expression. I held in my feelings and emotions in order to feel safe and to receive the validation of being a “good girl”
My autoimmune issues were the physical manifestation of this emotional undercurrent of drama.
My eyes were the angriest.
The NHS website describes Uveitis as a rare condition that causes inflammation inside part of your eye. It can cause vision loss and blindness if untreated.
Symptoms for me were acute. A red, angry and painful eye with difficulty looking at light. Interestingly first the right and then the left as I got older.
Difficulty seeing my path ahead with any joy. Everything felt like hard work, a struggle and a push.
Later on Graves disease, chronic hyperthyroidism. This butterfly shaped thyroid gland sits in the throat and it’s role in the body is like an accelerator pedal.
It speeds up your metabolism or slows it down. In Graves disease everything in your body is in overdrive and you have no control.
Weight loss, hair loss, inability to rest or keep still.
Mood control was the hardest for me, the stories of Graves rage are hideous and thankfully I got on top of my issues before it destroyed everything.
The thyroid energetically is linked to words and expression. These things that had been held down within my body.
I should work harder. I should keep busy. Patterns of overactivity, of never sitting down to compensate for a need to be seen and heard.
There are many autoimmune diseases and the list is growing longer every day. The root cause is inflammation in very sense of the word. Physical, mental and emotional.
They tend to show themselves at the moment we feel we can find some rest from the drama that dominates our lives. There is also a tendency to treat the disease in a similar pattern, with rigidity, defence, anger and fear. It is the next struggle to face.
I found my own way to change this pattern and although some of the emotional issues remain, they are my guide now to the next layer of finding a sense of peace and happiness.
I am very grateful to have learned so much about my own body and finding ways to connect to it and my inner world at a deeper level. With more understanding, care and love.
“We are learning that before the body can become a temple, it first must become our home.” ― Lucy H. Pearce
