30 Jan 2016: Dependency

When I began this entry, I entitled it “addiction.” I then quickly decided that “addiction” connotes something I fear those with chronic addictive needs would be offended by or think that I was demeaning their problem. As a disclaimer, I want to assure everybody that I’m not equating anything with true, impossible addiction (i.e. drugs, sex, alcohol…anything of the obvious like). My focus point is to bring to light the concept of “dependency” instead. I, myself, am afraid that society doesn’t always recognize other forms of addiction (again, if you are an addict or love one, I have no idea of your trials and admire your recuperation entirely).

I am talking about a mindset rather than a chemical imbalance. For example: I bite my nails. Everyday. There is no reason behind my nail biting other than the fact that I am used to it and have done it for a long time. As far back as my memory will succeed, I have bitten. There is no substance on my nails that makes biting them a necessity, it is just part of my routine anxiety attack recovery. Dependency can happen overtime in the same respect as addiction: something becomes so conventional that denying it seems almost impossible.

An example that I hope everyone reading takes to heart is “relationship dependency.” This is probably the most painful case of dependency that I have ever had to go through. Sometimes, you become so abased by someone that your mind may delude you into thinking that no matter how they treat you, you must stay with them and keep them loving you.

When someone becomes a part of who you are, you may begin to define your feelings, thoughts, and self based on their feelings, thoughts, and self. If they are mad, you may find yourself to be mad. If they are happy, you probably, in turn, feel happy. This causes dependency on your partner (there are exceptions to all of this, but I am speaking broadly) that results in an defeated reliance.

I loved someone: someone abusive; someone harsh. If he was sad, our relationship was sad — I was sad. I kept wondering what was wrong with ME. What was wrong with me? Perhaps it was the perpetual assessment and criticism that made it impossible for me to believe anything other than exactly what he told me I was: inadequate.

I cannot speak for him; but, being and knowing myself, a woman with entirely too many emotions, pouring my heart, energy, and spirit into someone who deluded me into believing that there was certainly something wrong with me was a trial beyond my capabilities. I was lost, so I became him. I inherited his mind, needs, thoughts, and problems. There I was, essentially his puppet and underling, but didn’t understand…why he was not I?

I know who I am. I’m not easy nor simple; in fact, I could be (and have been) defined as “crazy” by many, if they were so inclined. I do believe that I may be…not because HE told me, but because I told me.

I continued to believe the constant judgments and lies leading to outbreaks of unfathomable insanity between us. It would begin with threats of leaving, threats of being with someone “who would appreciate him.” It lead to only episodes, or rather, reruns of my evident imperfections and dependence.

I came to a substantial breaking point. Rationality will only get you so far when dealing with your heart. I loved him, and I knew that. I also knew that I could not be WITH him. I knew I could not allow the control to blossom into an inevitable demise of my psyche…so I left.

I apologize for speaking only about myself; however, I assure you, it is a bona fide effort to benefit you.

You do not have to stay, you know. You can leave. Remember that: you CAN leave. I do know that it is not easy — it is by no means a swift realization and process. I know that. I promise…I know that. I am sorry, but you can leave. You hate hearing that, right? I do not understand them, right? I do not know them the way you do, right? It’s not all the time, right?

No matter how many people try to proclaim their impromptu knowledge of the issues at hand that are far beyond your feelings, please know, you do need help. Unmoved fools who insist that your problem is easily resolvable and, frankly, an insignificant obstacle and never fail to acknowledge the greater caliber of what is “going on in the world”: fuck them.

Excuse my crude and potentially interpreted juvenile refute, but it is not easy. It is not easy to leave them — the person who you woke up to, planned everything around, and fell in love with. Never think it will be easy; never think it will “go away” in a pinch, because it won’t. I am sorry, it won’t happen that way.

BUT…it will happen. It will go away. Everything, when you are ready, will stop: the thoughts, urges, and seemingly perpetual suffering. It will stop.

Strength, you will find, is your only method of detachment. You must love yourself, indulge in what you love, and find YOU again. You must realize that you have the ultimate decision regarding the presumably eternal emotional defeat. I am neither a psychiatrist nor a particularly acclaimed counsel; however, I am this: a person who has allowed someone to supervise and administer my actions and feelings. I am also a person who has found bliss in my release! I love myself. I realize, finally, the control that I have over myself and my choice to be happy. Instead of my endless rant that could be revealed as more of a selfish outlet, here is a piece that may invite more consideration:

“Television” by Todd Alcott:

Look at me. Look at me. Look at me,

look at me, look at me. Look at me.

No no no, don’t look over there, there’s nothing to look at over

there, look at me, look at me, look at me.
Are you looking at me? Is everybody looking
at me? Do I have your attention? Good.
Don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not trying to take over your life.
You need, what? What do you need?
You need to, what? Go to the bathroom? Fine.
Get up, go to the bathroom, come back, look at me.
You need, what? You need to get something to eat? Fine.
Get up, go to the kitchen,
get something to eat,
come back,
look at me.
You need to, what, sleep? Fine,
get up, go to bed, go to sleep, get up, come back, look at me.
Okay. So we have an agreement.
You will do what you absolutely need to do, and
when you’re done,
you will come back and look at me.
Don’t worry about your schedule.
I am here for you. I am here for you.
Twenty-four hours a day,
seven days a week, I am here for you.
I am here for you.
You need me, I’m here. Fair and foul, thick and thin, I am here for you.
I am here for you.
People try to tell you I’m bad?
You tell them that I am here for you.
Twenty-four hours a day, fair and foul, thick and thin,
I am here for you. I am here for you.
People try to tell you I’m bad,
know what it sounds like to me?
Sour grapes.
You see what 1-
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, no, don’t look over there,
there’s nothing going on over there,
look at me, look at me, look at me.
I’ve got stuff you wouldn’t believe.
Danger? Sex? Action? Death? Thrills? Comedy? All here,
all in the next eight minutes. Can you believe it? You can’t.
It’s unbelievable.
You can’t believe it because it’s unbelievable! It’s a miracle.
Just keep looking at me.
Just keep looking at me.
Just keep looking at me.
Look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me,
look at me.