Oh wow. My heart broke for that boy. And for you. I’ve had 6 suicides in my family over the last 15 years and often wondered what could have been done differently. The common denominator always seems to be unbearable emotional pain and inner turmoil that becomes too loud to focus on anything else.
My son is 15. I pray every day that he doesn’t end up with the same depression and feelings of worthlessness that I still have. My biggest wish for him is that he feels safe and happy being who he truly is and that he love himself. I feel pangs of anger and pain in my heart whenever I hear of children growing up without love and support from their parents. I learned no coping skills from my parents. Nothing that could help me navigate my path. I was told I was worthless all the time. At 37, I still believe it more often than I’d like.
But I’m still here. I’m teaching myself and my son those skills that took too long for me to learn. This year I actually overcame the trauma that has plagued me my whole life. It truly gets better. I understand that now.
It’s not your fault. Absolutely not. It’s not his fault either. Bless his sweet soul. And bless yours too.
It reminds me of a quote I read a few years ago after Philip Seymour Hoffman died. It’s so true and I’ll never forget it.
“For the most sensitive of us, the noise can be too much.” -Jim Carrey