I Tried Layering 17 Micro-Habits Before Breakfast — My Blender Is in Therapy

Photo by Randy Fath on Unsplash

Some people greet the dawn with gratitude journaling or a jog. Last Monday I greeted it with a spreadsheet titled Operation: Optimize My Soul. The goal? Stack seventeen micro-habits between the alarm and my first bite of food. Why seventeen? Because eighteen felt unhinged and sixteen sounded like quitter math.

5:31 a.m. — The Gathering Storm

My phone shrieked awake at an hour I previously reserved for regretting life choices. According to the gurus of Personal Development YouTube™, success begins before the sun has processed its coffee. I rolled out of bed whispering my first micro-habit: a three-word mantra — “Don’t screw up.” Inspirational, I know.

5:33 a.m. — Hydration Nation

Second micro-habit: chug 16 ounces of water with pink Himalayan salt “for electrolytes.” Pink salt is just regular salt wearing millennial blush, but the influencers promised it would electrify my mitochondria. All I got was an urgent need to pee that would stalk me for the next two hours like a clingy ex.

5:36 a.m. — Cold Shower, Warm Regrets

Micro-habit number three: 90-second cold shower. This is meant to “activate brown fat.” Fun fact: my fat…