Daily Thoughts - Struggle

Life’s a continuous struggle. I’m living through suffering. Never ceasing to be frustrated. Frustrated in myself for being frustrated about things I don’t care about in the first place. It’s not even something unusual anymore, and it doesn’t even hurt. I’ve accepted it as it is, and in many ways become numb to it.

It is as if I’m actually struggling to be myself. Tired of not being able to express myself as I intended. And tired of not being understood correctly. Things that I can’t have control over.

I think I am made to be stuck in between. Always somewhere in the middle of two sides. It is somewhere I am naturally drawn to. To find the balance in-between two extremes, to find compromise. But that also means being trapped in the gray zone of all things. And contradicting with both sides. In other words, I am a walking contradiction.

Maybe the best way to sum it up is the faint memory of that night with E. Slightly drunk, and moreso, dumbfounded by her approach, I felt like I needed to comfort her. I projected the possible future in my head, and felt like i needed to warn her of what’s to come. So I kept repeating that little sentence to her.

“Be patient with me. Please, be patient.”

01.06.2015

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