To Hell and Back
On soulmates.

Lately, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that movie “What Dreams May Come.” If you haven’t seen it, here’s a quick rundown:
(spoilers ahead, but knowing the plot should not keep you from watching because it’s visually unbelievable — also, if you watch it we can talk about it!)
Robin Williams plays Chris, who lands in an oil-painting style afterlife only to find that he is missing his beloved wife. She is stuck in hell, being punished for losing hope.
(as if the hopeless need more punishment, right?)
So he goes to get her.
It should be impossible. But it isn’t.
Because they’re soulmates.
The movie is based on a novel, which is based on the Greek myth of Orpheus, who travels to the underworld to rescue his wife Eurydice. There are several versions of the myth — in some Orpheus is successful, and in other versions he is not.
This idea of soulmates though.
I worry about it.
If I’m being completely honest, I don’t really want to get rid of the idea entirely.
Sometimes the universe just seems so cosmically charged. Things happen that should not be possible. Worlds overlap in ways that just cannot be accidental. People step into our lives at just the right moment to catch us as we fall, or to pick us up after we stumble.
And that’s beautiful.
Thank god that stuff happens. That’s what makes the world feel like magic. Set on fire with the same stuff that lit the stars.
So what’s the problem?
The problem — I think — is that when you start seeing someone as your soulmate, you stop seeing them as real.
Let’s draw this out in a couple different ways so you can see why this is such a problem.
1.) Soulmates sometimes stay too long.
So, imagine this. You’re swept up in something. In someone. Everything is perfect. They make you laugh, they’re kind and considerate, they understand you. You even know how to argue effectively!
And you’ve got one of those stories that just seems like the universe put you together. Full of magic and accidents and near-misses. Meant to be. Other people swoon when you tell it.
Fast-forward a little while.
Turns out, things are not so perfect. They lie. Little lies and big ones but nothing so serious that it feels like it’s allowed to be a deal-breaker. Nothing you can really catch them in. And you thought you knew how to argue correctly, but when heavy stuff happens in your life you find out that you really don’t. Pathologies reveal themselves and instead of being seen as an opportunity to grow, your soulmate refuses to get help and just digs their heels in.
So you start to try and talk with your friends about it.
But you guys are perfect together! You were destined to be! You’re soulmates!
See how much gets brushed away when that word gets thrown into the mix? How you feel and what your relationship actually looks like don’t matter. You’re soulmates.
Do you see how much pressure is put on the relationship? The universe conspired to put you together. How are you supposed to argue with that?
You can’t. And you don’t.
So you stay too long.
2.) Soulmates are Slower to Notice Red Flags
Along the way, there were red flags. There always are. And we miss them for all sorts of reasons.
We miss them because we don’t want to see them, because we see them but don’t want to admit them, because we’re trying to be cool and low-maintenance and so we push some stuff down so we don’t lose the relationship, etc. etc. etc.
In the soulmate case, we explain away the red flags because, well, soulmates are perfect. It’s written right into the definition:
soul mate
(ˈsōl ˌmāt/)
noun: soulmate
A person perfectly suited to another.
This person was hand crafted for you. You see it, everyone else sees it, the freaking universe willed it!
So those little things that bother you?
That’s all on you, friend. How could you and your reactions mean more than your starry, magic destiny?
They can’t.
So they don’t.
So you take those little red flags and you throw them in the trash and hope that no one else saw. And you pretend that whatever you’re noticing or feeling doesn’t matter.
Not a great way to exist in a relationship, as it turns out.
3.) Soulmates Stop Working on Things
(Or, They Never Start)
There are a lot of assumptions carried in that little word. The universe put us together, we are made for each other, what could there possibly be to work on??
Maybe you work in the beginning because you’ve got some obstacles (you know, the kind that the universe sets up so that you can really know that you’re supposed to be with someone).
But once “you’re my soulmate!” has been said, the assumption is that you’ve done all the work you need.
That’s just terrible. We all know this. Relationships require constant work and care if they’re going to survive. You know, basically like anything else in our lives that is important to us.
Ok. Variations on a theme.
You get the point.
What on earth does this have to do with that movie?
As much as I think that the universe does actually throw us together for a reason (or for many reasons), I just don’t think any of us should have to go through hell to save someone else.
We don’t have any business saving each other. Not like that.
Here’s where distinctions are really important.
Supporting is not saving.
Sitting with someone on the floor and just physically being next to them while they wait out a panic attack is not saving either.
Empathizing is not saving.
Even traveling with someone into their pain to help them bear it is not the same thing as rescuing them from hell.
Hell! You can walk into their hell and stand there with them.
But you cannot drag them out. They have to do that themselves.
The soulmate narrative tricks us into thinking that we have to do that for each other.
Here’s the thing though:
Nothing.
Good.
Comes.
From.
That.
Rescuing someone creates and reinforces a power dynamic that is fundamentally unequal.
Rescuing someone makes one person feel forever indebted — and not in the good way.
Rescuing someone does not give them the confidence or the tools to help themselves back up if they find themselves back in hell.
Rescuing someone will erode your relationship from the outside in.
I guess the point is this.
It’s not a bad thing to believe that someone is in your life for a reason.
In fact, it’s beautiful and you’re probably right.
Just don’t reduce yourselves to that one little piece of your story.
It’s just the beginning of your story.
