Intimacy — Not Just Sex (Part 1 of 4)
An exploration of the myriad forms of intimacy then plunging into cognitive compatibility.
Candles flicker with a warm and inviting light. The music is smooth with a round and penetrating bass. Rose petals add a contrast of red as the door opens and he welcomes what is just a silhouette sliding slowly from the thin beige curtains. Her features slowly arise out of the mystery as she reveals herself to him.
Vinyl record slip sound effect.
But wait! Isn’t this romance between lovers? Or is it seduction? Is it a one-night stand casual hookup thing? Is any of this intimacy?
I am intimate with you. What does this mean for our relationship? Are we friends or are we something more?
Magnitude of Intimacy
The magnitude of intimacy we share with others varies in degree, intensity, importance, and a myriad of other relationship-specific properties.
We can also express different sides of ourselves in groups or by meeting new people.
Deep and meaningful conversations with friends have very different subject matter and tone compared to sharing the same story with a family member or work colleague.
We express a diversity of different types of intimacy with different people in varying ways that can be split into a myriad of categories.
Rainbow of Intimacy
The categories of intimacy are like a colourful rainbow of connections where each hue represents a different type of intimacy. Let us ride the rainbow as we expand your perspective on intimacy beyond just sex.
Cognitive Intimacy
Those mind-bending conversations that leave you feeling intellectually stimulated… cognitive intimacy is where you connect with someone on a level where words flow effortlessly, and understanding comes naturally.
Emotional Intimacy
A heart-to-heart chat with your close confidante where you trust them enough to feel safe to bare your soul and share your deepest feelings.
Physical Intimacy
It can be as simple as a warm hug from a friend or cuddling up with your pet. It’s about feeling comfortable and connected through touch.
Sexual intimacy goes deeper ;)
Spiritual Intimacy
Connecting with a person who shares your beliefs and values, perhaps a bond over shared faith; or someone you feel an intense chemical attraction towards beyond the normal physical lines of connection.
Conflict Intimacy
A volcano erupts and creates new land with new boundaries. Healthy boundaries can be forged in the heat of an argument. Conflict clears a path towards common ground — understanding — through disagreement.
Creative & Sensory Intimacy
Sharing artistic interests and sparking creativity like jamming out to your favourite tunes or getting lost in a painting.
Parenting Intimacy
A kid brings a different kind of love and connection. Being a parent is a porthole into a new dimension of life only other parents understand.
Financial Intimacy
Transparency in financial matters includes another into your future plans — unlocking new levels of trust and openness in your relationship as you reveal another layer of privacy to someone.
Social Intimacy
Connecting with groups and building meaningful relationships from family gatherings to office parties; an intimacy beyond being introverted or extroverted.
Digital Intimacy
The digital age requires us to stay connected through phone calls, texts, and video chats as people move further apart and physical presence no longer becomes an option to build intimacy, trust, and connection alone.
A rainbow of intimacy for each kind of delluge as we exercise a myriad of intimacy around different people.
Different relationships evoke different personal characteristics based on the person you are speaking to at a specific time within a certain type of environment as different people occupy space in different ways.
One area that underlines our intimate interactions is when people occupy space in a relationship with quintessential masculine or feminine characteristics.
Masculinity and Femininity
Intimacy and vulnerability is locked away in the highest room of the tallest tower guarded by a fire-breathing dragon deep within the castle of our minds until trust can be established and we reveal our inner princess.
Gents. Do what you will with this analogy.
It is essential to note that men do not represent masculinity and women do not represent femininity. They are not synonymous with gender and this is not a discussion about gender.
Every person, irrespective of their physiological sex or psychological gender identity has archetypical behaviours encompassing both masculine and feminine energetic signatures.
The concepts and symbols represented by the masculine and the feminine are ubiquitous to all people.
Women can possess the characteristic of toxic masculinity and men can possess the shadow characteristic of femininity.
This is the perfect point to start exploring how people interact in relationships.
The ABCs of Intimacy
Intimacy manifests in all of our relationships, but the most pressing relationship where intimacy is most often addressed in the foreground of actions would be a romantic relationship.
What follows is a discussion about a few categories of intimacy. This article discusses A — cognitive intimacy.
Alpha — Cognitive Intimacy
Cognitive intimacy is meeting someone on a level where both parties can be understood verbally and nonverbally without straining their intellectual ability.
Cognitive intimacy is finding the common ground of each person’s internal realities.
Sharing thoughts and expressing one’s intellect by reflecting authentic beliefs is a beautiful thing.
Having conversations about ideas and interesting topics or learning from each other is a huge turn-on, especially for me.
Some people like a partner who would challenge their opinions and openly question their logical arguments so they can grow and learn together.
Others may feel insecure or feel stupid as they may dislike the constant criticism or questioning if this happens too often.
Disagreement Example
It is difficult for a race car driver to convince a policymaker about certain ideologies if their preconceived notions about each other are incompatible; for example, the race car driver thinks all policymakers are corrupt and the policymaker thinks all race car drivers are thick as mince.
Disagreements about basic concepts and a refusal to accept each other’s realities would destroy cognitive intimacy.
They are not establishing a type of harmony — a shared reality — which leads to fundamental disagreement. No conversation or discussion can take place if people are standing in different rooms.
Agreement Example
A poet and a mathematician, on the other hand, may see immense similarities between their work and they can define a common reality despite their topics seemingly opposing each other.
Words can be to a poet what numbers are to a mathematician.
They both make art with their respective tools.
One speaks the language of logic and precision while the other speaks the language of ambiguity and interpretation — two extremes on each end where they dance in the middle.
The conversation between them can transport them to different internal realities where time and space melt away in a meeting of minds.
Together they dance in perfect harmony on the same ground — understanding.
A dance on that ground in a common reality as two worlds meet through open-mindedness, listening, and reciprocation. Two people in the same room not merely standing around but engaging in a harmonious dance.
Intelligence
Cognitive intimacy is a rich playground of possibilities if we can expand our view on what we consider intelligence.
Mastering logical thought and expressing it through math or convincing arguments is universally seen as smart; however, it is not universally seen as sexy.
Building this type of intimacy with someone is speaking the same language as another person. You find common ground with them as they find common ground with you.
Not everyone can articulate their intelligence or express themselves in a way that reveals the inner landscape of their mind.
Howard Gardner proposed ten different types of intelligence that will expand your perspective on the matter.
Here are the initial eight that he published in his works with pedagogical (teaching) intelligence and existential (philosophical) intelligence being the new additions.
When we expand our perspective to recognise a myriad of expressions of intelligence we can begin to understand the breadth and depth cognitive intimacy can have between romantic partners, colleagues, family members, and strangers we meet every day.
Each person carries a sense of self that is filled with depth and they may fall into one of the ten categories above or may even possess an entirely new type of intelligence.
Each person is a new realm of discovery waiting to happen; it all depends on your ability to find the ground they stand on — their realm of existence — so you can open the ballroom for a new dance of cognitive intimacy with anyone and everyone that crosses your path.
Part 1 Final Thoughts
At this point, you should recognise that intimacy is much more than just sex.
We hardly mentioned sex and physical intimacy in this article as relationships are based on many other important elements that set the ground for compatibility, satisfaction, meeting needs, and just having fun over time.
We can be intimate with people. All people. Not just romantic partners. Most of our relationships are devoid of sexual intimacy anyway; unless you’re into freaky things, mate. #jestingnotjudging
What’s in part 2, boet?
Cognitive intimacy forms part of a relationship when conversations flow and we get to dance with another with logical exchange; however, emotions seem to run contrary to logic.
Part 2 explores emotional intimacy as we navigate catching feelings and falling in love… together we find a deeper understanding of these powerful things called emotions as we delve deeper into the world of intimacy.
Bye, But Before you Go
Let me know your thoughts!
There are so many perspectives, experiences, and open-ended questions when it comes to intimacy.
Respond to areas of the article that piqued your interest.
Provide kind criticism or expand on ideas.
Let’s practice a lil sonder and have fun together, you intimacy-seeking internet traveller.
