(I should say that I’m currently dating a possible non-offending non-exclusive pedophile)

(I should say that I’m currently dating a possible non-offending non-exclusive pedophile)

Could you elaborate on that? What do you mean by ‘possible’ pedophile? Is this something you suspect but aren’t sure of? Has he said something to you?

When you say even though your boys would be the type you would normally find attractive, are there many boys in the same age range, that you would not find attractive at all, just like how there are many men I don’t find attractive on a daily?

That is exactly what I’m saying. A pedophile isn’t automatically attracted to all children. As you can see, we can have very specific age and gender preferences. My ‘age of attraction’ (AoA) is roughly between 8 and 12 years old, and I’m only attracted to boys. As you can imagine, those age limits are approximate and it will depend mostly on the developmental maturity of the boy, not the exact age. So a late-blooming 15 year old that still looks very young could still be attractive to me. And occasionally I can be attracted to boys as young as 6. Other pedophile are attracted to much younger kids — sometimes including infants and toddlers. None of us choose these age ranges, it’s just the rough ranges we discover to be attracted to as we start realizing out attractions.

But also, even with boys that are within my AoA I don’t automatically find all of them attractive, the same way you don’t find every man attractive. What criteria does an individual have to meet to appeal to our sense of attractiveness? That is incredibly subjective and varies tremendously from individual to individual, and not just among pedophiles. Just like there’s men that are attracted to any breathing woman and other men are more ‘picky’ in who they find attractive. None of it is a choice either.

It can’t be (even roughly) the same amount? […] And as a pedophile man, the main preference being the age, it’s quite different. The selection in terms of looks, may be lessened (compared to age preference) than a man into a woman?

You may have a point here, and it’s something I’ve actually discussed with a few fellow pedophiles. We tend to be under the impression that we’re attracted to a higher percentage of children — within our gender and AoA preference — precisely because there’s less ‘variability of looks’ among, let’s say, 8–12 year old children than among the category comprised of ‘adult women’ or ‘adult men’. All of this is based on anecdotal evidence, of course.

However, there is such a thing as an ugly child, so it still stands that we’re not automatically attracted to all children just by virtue of being pedophiles. Like with teleiophiles (people attracted to adults), some pedophiles are attracted to most boys and others are very ‘picky’, once again, through no choice of theirs.

Going back to my question in my previous post, in a more elaborative manner, although you’re exposed to your boys 24/7, presuming they’re/were in the age group of your general preference and type, you had to put zero effort in fighting temptations, is that right?

That’s exactly right. I never had any ‘inappropriate’ feelings or thoughts towards my own kids, so it’s not that I had to put zero effort into fighting temptations, it’s that I’ve never been tempted to do anything untoward.

If not, if you could share what you did and prepared in order for you to only see them as a father with no sexual thoughts? Please do share if you did at any point and what you did about it.

Like I said, I didn’t have to do anything, the Westermarck effect took care of it all. Just being involved in their lives from day one and seeing them grow up from infancy all the way into my AoA and beyond. That said, there can be exceptions to the Westermarck effect, and it could happen that your boyfriend — presumably future husband/father of your kids — could find himself attracted to your kids. In that case, I think an open and honest communication between both of you would be the best approach. If you marry a man you trust and know to be a good man, you should be more worried about his mental health — having to deal with the distress of realizing he’s attracted to his own kids, possibly resulting in a lot of self-hatred, shame, guilt (even if it’s not his fault) and possibly uncomfortable situations— than about the possibility that he’d molest his own kids.

Of course, his AoA could also play a factor. If he’s attracted to babies then there’s potentially no time for the Westermarck effect to ‘kick in’ before he has to deal with his kids and his potential attraction to them. If he has years of parenting, emotional bonding and healthy relationship with his children I think the odds that he’d find himself attracted to his own kids when they enter his AoA would be much lower. But once again, this is pure speculation on my part.

My best advice to you would be a very open and honest communication about all of these things. I know it can be very hard (I’m out to my wife), but it is definitely worth it.

Ps. I truly hope someday this world will be more understanding that no one chose to be a pedophile, just like I am starting to better understand, since recently. I hope more time is spent in more research being implemented to help, rather than accusing.

Thank you very much. I wish everyone could be as understanding and supportive as you are. Whether your boyfriend is actually a pedophile or not, he’s already lucky to have you.

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