Dear ZK,

I would like to start by thanking you for taking the time to reply to my post. I understand that as an abuse survivor this is a complicated and emotional topic for you. I would also like to say that I’m incredibly sorry for what your uncle did to you. It is a terrible thing that no child should ever have to go through.

For someone that has been sexually abused by a pedophile it is hard for me to agree.

In my post I address quite a large number of points, so it would be interesting to know in more detail what specifically you disagree with.

But I do see what was done, the hurt, the manipulation, the lying, and deceit that this person did in means of “having his cake and eating it too,” was malicious behavior.

Like I said I am really sorry that you had to go through what you did. That said, just because you were the victim of a pedophile doesn’t mean that you have any more insight into what pedophilia is and isn’t than anyone else. In fact, your experience with pedophiles is reduced to a sample size of one, which as you can imagine is not necessarily representative of the whole collective.

Most intra-familial abuse is actually perpetrated by situational offenders, that is, people that aren’t actually pedophiles. Their motivations to abuse a child have nothing to do with being sexually attracted to that child — because they’re not attracted to children — but very complex and varied. However I will concede that your uncle was a pedophile because I have no reason to doubt you when you say that you know he was attracted to you.

I have never claimed that pedophiles never molest children. It is very clear that some pedophiles do. However, the vast majority of us don’t, and that’s a fact. Those who do often do resort to manipulation and deceit in order to have the child ‘consent’ to what’s being done to them, and to keep them quiet afterwards. However, these behaviors aren’t inherently characteristic of pedophiles, but of those who sexually abuse children, whether they are pedophiles or not.

I understand that whether your uncle was a pedophile or not is utterly irrelevant to you since it doesn’t alter the harm that was caused to you, but that’s precisely my point. It’s irrelevant because it wasn’t his pedophilia (if he was a pedophile) that harmed you, it was his chosen harmful actions that did.

To say it is sexual orientation is insensitive and tries to normalize the feelings and behaviors that pedophiles often do, in means of fulfilling their own sexual desire, will do to fulfill their desire.

I don’t see how accepting that some people’s unchosen and unalterable feelings of sexual attraction to children meet all the criteria for being classified as a sexual orientation is insensitive to anyone or is in any way ‘normalizing’ anything. First, you are mixing feelings with behaviors, which are two very different things. People don’t choose their feelings, but they do choose their actions (behaviors). When you say “pedophiles often [behave a certain way]” you are making generalizations once again based on your sample size of one pedophile you have experience with.

Saying that pedophilia is a sexual orientation is saying nothing more and nothing less than:

• It is unchosen by the individual.
• It is discovered right around puberty just like every other person discovers who or what they’re attracted to.
• It cannot be changed by any kind of ‘conversion therapy’ or medication.

That’s it. Saying that pedophilia is a sexual orientation is not saying that:

• It is OK for adults to have sex with children.
• Society should accept adults having sex with children.
• Children are developmentally ready and mature to provide informed and meaningful consent to a sexual relationship with an adult.

Therefore, there is nothing insensitive in acknowledging the facts about pedophilia that make it comparable to any other sexual orientation that we know about from a scientific and clinical standpoint.

It is also detrimental to victims who have suffered and often don’t come forward because society often treats a pedophile like a victim, either of the person they were hurting or of themselves.

I honestly don’t get where you see that pedophiles are treated like victims, especially of the people they were harming. I mean, just take a look at my Twitter replies for the past forty-eight hours and you’ll see how pedophiles are the most vilified, demonized, dehumanized and ostracized collective in this planet. And we’re talking about a pedophile that has never crossed the line and sexually abused a child. When there are news of a case of child sexual abuse the comments towards the abuser — which everyone assumes automatically is a pedophile — are certainly not indicative of him being considered a victim in any way, shape or form.

Trying to normalized pedophile is putting children at risk. This is the problem with trying to treat pedophiles like its okay to have those feelings, or to be acting on those thoughts and feelings that they experience and when the feeling are not mutually consenting.

Again, acknowledging the scientific facts about pedophilia has nothing to do with ‘normalizing’ it, whatever that means, and puts no one at risk. Pedophilia will never be ‘normal’, considering that it will always be an ‘anomaly’ and will only affect a very small percentage of the population. However that is irrelevant. Measuring more than 8 feet or less than 4 is also not ‘normal’ however that doesn’t mean we should not acknowledge that these people exist, understand that their condition entails — and doesn’t — and realize that they are a part of society.

Is it ‘okay’ to have feelings of sexual attraction to children? While I can certainly assure you that it sucks, since it is not something anyone chose it is neither ‘okay’ nor ‘not okay’ to have those feelings. No one chooses their feelings and feelings aren’t right or wrong. It’s how we act that matters. That’s why it’s important to differentiate between the feelings — which are unchosen and morally neutral — and the actions — which are chosen and immoral, and not conflate the two like you have done in this paragraph. It will never be ‘okay’ to act on those feelings, and those who do — like your uncle — cause serious harm.

Molesters and pedophiles are essentially the same thing expect that molesting doesn’t include full penetration.

I’m really sorry to say that this sentence doesn’t make any sense. Pedophiles are people that are sexually attracted to prepubescent children. Period. Pedophiles are not defined by any actions, but by their feelings. Molesters are those who sexually abuse children in any way — including penetration or not. So no, molesters and pedophiles are not even remotely the same.

Pedophiles have a preference in who they are attracted to and who they target in seeking out their victims.

Again you are conflating the feelings (pedophiles) with the actions (‘target’ and ‘victims’). Pedophiles don’t — by definition — have any victims because, once again, pedophiles are not defined by their actions but by their feelings. Child molesters are the ones that have victims.

The difference between normal adults with attraction to someone or something is that they understand their feelings are separate and that just because they feel a certain way does mean they are entitled by whatever cost to have their sexual desires fulfilled.

[…]

They clearly do not have healthy boundaries nor care about creating healthy boundaries for the child’s development.

You’re once again making broad generalizations about pedophiles based on your experience with a child molester.

I want to understand, because it something I went through. I try to understand without a bias, but when you have experienced that kind of abuse, it is hard to think that pedophiles are good people too (they are close to sociopaths). At least pedophiles that do cross the line of no return.

It is commendable that you want to understand. But again try to differentiate in your mind between pedophiles and molesters. I understand how it may be hard to think about molesters as ‘good people’, since they certainly do very wrong and harmful things. Or how you can think of them as ‘close to sociopaths’, since they may have shown a lack of empathy towards their victim. But sometimes good people do bad things, and demonizing and painting everyone who has ever sexually abused a child as a ‘monster’ is also not representative of reality. However when we’re talking about pedophiles we’re not talking automatically about people that have done anything wrong. So yes, pedophiles can be good people, and they can also be bad people. Like in every other collective, there are good and bad people among us.

And for those that are struggling with those desires would it not be first and foremost important to go seek professional help before that line is crossed? Also what causes them to cross that line?

First and foremost it is important to understand what kind of help you expect a pedophile will get from a professional. If you are expecting a pedophile to be ‘cured’ and no longer be attracted to children, that simply isn’t possible. If you think a pedophile needs professional help or they will inevitably molest a child, that is simply not true. However, it is true that often times when a pedophile does abuse a child they do so when they are at their lowest. Being subjected to constant hatred and vilification by the society you live in is not conducive to wanting to abide by that society’s rules. Many pedophiles suffer severe depression and anxiety resulting from that vilification and hatred that I mentioned, and anyone who knows anything about crime prevention will tell you that a healthy mental state is the best crime prevention mechanism. So yes, it would be great if pedophiles that suffer from depression or anxiety or any other mental issue related to their attractions could seek professional help. However the current climate of hysteria and misunderstanding of what pedophilia is and isn’t — due to the conflation of pedophilia and child molestation — has informed mandatory reporting policies in many jurisdictions around that world that simply make it a gamble for pedophiles to seek such help. The risk of being reported even if you have never done anything wrong is simply too high, and these policies simply keep people away from that help that you so much desire they would get. I have blogged in more detail about this issue here if you want to take a look.

They are no long fulfilled by just the fantasy, the have a uncontrollable impulse to obtain satisfaction? Even by convincing themselves that they are “loving” their victim, that the attraction is “beyond their control”, that they have no control over how “they feel” or that they are misunderstood.

Again here you are making assumptions that what leads a pedophile to offend is that one day suddenly fantasy is not enough. That is most often not the case. As to convincing themselves that they love the victim, that is actually true in many cases when it’s indeed a pedophile who abuses a child. They very often are ‘in love’ with the child and do convince themselves that the sexual interaction is welcome and appreciated by the child.

The attraction and the feelings are indeed beyond one’s control, but that applies to pedophiles and non-pedophiles alike. No one is in control of how they feel or who they are attracted to. However, what is not beyond one’s control is one’s actions, and therefore there will never be any excuse for sexually abusing a child, no matter how much one is attracted to him or her.

Also one last thought to leave you with, I was told a long time ago, “Just because you feel something does not mean it is always right.” Feelings are often irrational, illogical, though being able to make rational and logical decisions about what is best for our communities means putting feelings aside.

Like I said before, feelings are never ‘wrong’. They are never ‘right’ either. They simply are. It is how one reacts to those feelings that matters — the logical and rational decisions that you talk about. However that doesn’t mean putting feelings aside. Just ask any therapist — psychologist or psychiatrist — and they will tell you that being aware of your emotions and feelings is really important to be in control of your reactions to them. The feelings and emotions are never ‘wrong’ or immoral in and of themselves, but the way you handle them can be.