Holiday Humor

A tale about being the first to put up the holiday lights and the last to take them down.

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Photo by Rodion Kutsaev on Unsplash

Once upon a time, there was a woman that waited until the first day of November to put up her Christmas lights. She was that person. In her eyes, the moment Halloween is over, it’s pretty much Christmas until January 1st. But even after January 1st, her lights are still up until early spring. Yes, she was that person too.

She would go hard on the decorating. Her house was the brightest in the street. …


Short Odd Tales

A short tale about a small woman that likes to read giant books about nothing.

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Once upon a time, there was a tiny woman that loved to read giant books. Really large books. Books bigger than cars. Even though the books were giant, the tiny woman would carry them around everywhere she goes.

Her favorite book was The Descent of Man by Sir Duke Chlorine. …


Absurd Short Fiction

A tale about a taco that screamed for 35 years straight.

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Once upon a time, there was a taco that screamed. No one wanted to eat it because of how loud it was. Its scream could blow out a thousand eardrums.

Food scientists from around the world tried to figure out what was making this taco scream. Not even the brightest in the field could figure it out. The taco screamed for the past 35 years.

It all started back in 1985 in a small town in New Mexico. …


Absurd Humor

A tale about a talking pair of dentures and the search for the old man that wore them.

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Once upon a time, there was a man named Howard that found a pair of talking dentures. At first, he thought the dentures were one of those winding toys but it wasn’t. The dentures were on the bare floor talking about how it wanted waffles.

Howard scooped the dentures onto his hand and asked the dentures if they were lost. The dentures kept rambling and rambling about various things from toothpaste to vacuum steam cleaners. No matter what Howard told it, the dentures never listened.

Instead of tossing the dentures into the trashcan so it can ramble on its own, Howard took it home. He gave it a good cleaning. He brushed it, polished the individual teeth, and even fed the dentures waffles. …


Absurd Historical Fiction

A tale about the fall of an empire that was made up of nothing but slices of bread.

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Once upon a time, there was a slice of bread that had its own empire. It was a very big empire, bigger than the holy roman empire. As a matter of fact, it was the holy roman empire of sliced bread. It was the Holy Bread Empire. The emperor of this empire was Bread The Great. Just like many emperors, Bread the Great was very corrupt.

One example was the Flour Famine of 1223. During the flour famine, there was a shortage of…flour. The bread population couldn’t repopulate themselves using regular flour so they had to recreate flour using fine wood shavings. …


Short Humor

A story about a lady that fed people to her washing machine.

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Try to avoid meeting this washing machine.

Once upon a time, there was a woman that had a washing machine named Olga. Olga was a washing machine that liked to feast on people.

Every time Olga was hungry, she would yell, “Feed Me! Feed Me!” Her owner, Phoebe, couldn’t wash her clothes when Olga was hungry. If she wanted clean clothes, she had to feed Olga. …


Short Humor

How the old man’s jealousy of a glass of milk turned him ugly.

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The old man sits there…with a glass of milk on the table.

Once upon a time, there was an old man that yelled at a glass of milk. The glass of milk didn’t do anything except being a simple glass of milk. The old man was lonely and lived in a small yurt in the backwoods of northern Michigan. One afternoon, he bought milk from his local grocers and poured himself a nice glass of ice-cold milk. When he took a sip, he started having casual conversations with the milk. It started with small talk such as asking about the weather and asking about its feelings.

Then the conversations escalated to talking about the future, philosophy, and life. Two months later, the old man grew tired of the milk. He was still drinking out of that same glass of milk. Inside that glass was the same milk from two months ago. The old man took a sip out of the glass once a month. By now the milk would have turned nasty and smelly but it didn’t. The milk was immortal. It was ageless. That milk could go on for years and even decades without going bad. …


Weird Animal Tales

A short tale about a gerbil attempting to escape his cage via a rocket.

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George the gerbil and his special little rocket.

Once upon a time, there was a gerbil named George that lived in a little cage. George always wondered what life would be like outside his little cage. He has escaped before but he rarely made it to the front door. His owners would scoop him up and put him back into the cage. George was unhappy and wanted to be as independent as a human. George had a plan. A very big plan.

That plan was to escape the house and never return.

For a gerbil, George had a big brain. George had helped his owner’s son with his algebra homework and even did his owner’s taxes once. George could also read dead sea scrolls and could write Icelandic runes. …


Weird Animal Tales

A short tale about an impala and his obsession with this manmade item.

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Once upon a time, there was an impala named Bill. Bill had an obsession with toenail clippers. He loved toenail clippers but was disgusted at the sight of human toes.

He used his toenail clippers to trim his horns, his hooves, trim the weeds on his lawn, and to trim his teeth. He had a toenail clipper for everything and probably owns about 25 different toenail clippers. Why does he have so many? Because he breaks them. He breaks about 2 toenail clippers a week.

Do remember that Bill doesn’t have fingers. He has to use both of his arms to clamp the toenail clipper. Most of the time he puts too much force and ends up crushing the thing. Bill isn’t the strongest impala in the world but he is strong enough to break a few. …


Short Humor

The tale of a woman starting verbal arguments with her coffee mug about everything.

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“Arrrrghh!” - Illustration made by the author.

Once upon a time, there was a woman named Rosie that argued with a coffee mug. All Rosie wanted was a simple coffee mug to enjoy her coffee but instead, the coffee mug would start talking crap again.

One morning the coffee mug argued with her about how she doesn’t clean her other coffee mugs. The woman and the coffee mug would banter back and forth until one of them said hurtful regretful things. …

About

Erica N

An illustrator that writes humor and satire about everything and nothing at the same time.

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