The constellation theory
We are all part of an emotional and relational constellation from which we are, of course, the center. We all have around us people with which we have unique ties: our relatives, our friends, our colleagues but also people we encounter randomly in the street, in the supermarket, in the bus etc. and with whom we can be briefly in contact. We have emotional ties with all these persons, including the random ones, even if these ties can be thin, and the fact that one person appears or disappears among our entourage has an impact on our constellation. The extent and nature of this impact depends on the closeness of this person and whether the persone appears or disappears. The closer the person is, the more impact he/she has: if the person disappears, then a new space is available for new or stronger ties with the remaining or new persons, which is as large as the person was close to you. If the person appears, then the new relation encroaches on your existing relations to the extent of the closeness of this person to you.
A typical case leading to countless divorces is the arrival of the first child: the relation with the newborn starts with the fertilization for the woman and when the baby exits her womb for the man. A child is extremely close to both parents and diverts a significant portion of the existing emotional flow between their parents, which can have a devastating impact on their relation. A family of two parents and a newborn is a completely different constellation than a couple of lovers with no child. As Air, the French electro music group, titled one of their songs, there is a “new star in the sky”: this star encroaches on the relation their parents had experienced until the fertilization to such an extent that it could dry up the relation completely and lead to divorce, which is the case in about every second couple before the fifth birthday of the first child. Even worse: the parents don’t even realize it. All of a sudden, the man or the woman is not as important as before in the eye of his/her partner. This can be “prevented” if both parents are aware of this phenomenon I tried to represent in my two depictions. A new child can then also logically affect the relation of the parents with their relatives and friends. We have an extensible amount of love and interest to give, but not an infinite one, and the first child has so much impact on the constellation of both parents, especially between them, that the arrival of the first child can have disastrous consequences on the parent’s emotional and relational situation.
Having ties with someone means being able to feel with someone who is close to you in your constellation, even though this person is physically far away. If you have strong emotional ties with your grandmother, you are in UK and she is in the Philippines, you could also feel especially well or bad if she feels the same way, because you have a strong emotional tie with her. Your heart doesn’t need words and isn’t impacted by the distance, but emotional ties need to be activated regularly, or they vanish, just as flowers fade when they are not watered. This capacity of your heart is called resonance; it is innate but can easily be overlooked or ignored if you don’t pay attention and only rely on your mind and your senses to connect with the world around you. This capacity is vital for newborns; they would die if they didn’t have emotional ties with their parents, even if they were fed normally.
If you feel unusually good or bad for a brief moment, it could be because someone around you physically and/or emotionally feels the same way and you are part of his/her thoughts. It could even be a random person in a supermarket whom you have helped, smiled to or pushed. Or you made a person feel ill at ease because of what you said as you were having dinner with him/her. Our hearts create ties with other souls continuously, even before we were born, and these ties have a strong impact on your emotional well-being. Pay attention to that, “think” with your heart, be nice to people around you, even if you don’t know them, as you don’t want their heart to be against you, especially if they are your relatives, and you cannot reason with your heart, even less with the heart of other people. A bad relation with your brother, sister, mother or father can devastate your life little by little as these persons are per definition close to you in your constellation; such a bad relation has a toxic impact on your emotional balance, even though you hardly communicate with them. Your hearts are connected, and such a bad relation can be harmful to both parties. The constellation theory is close to the concept developed by Bert Hellinger in his family constellation.
