That time I magically grew another pair of arms under my armpits

… That carried me into a variety store, and refused to leave.

Yep, you read that right. I grew another pair of arms, under my armpits, that came in the form of a rather sketchy-looking man, with no teeth.

Now, before I get into this, I should probably give you a visual of what a clusterfuck I might look like to the average looker-on: Imagine a bicycle trying to stand upright without its kickstand.

So, I was on my way to a retirement party at my alma mater, and I parked Mustang Sally outside a variety store so I could simply go in, borrow a pen to sign a card, and be on my way. Next thing I knew, I had a pair of hands under my armpits, and I heard those magic words from behind me, “Here, let me help you”.

The variety store door opens, and my new set of hands helps me to magically float up to the counter, where I ask to borrow a pen. My ‘helper’ then says “I’ll wait for you to finish, so I can help you out”. I reply, “No, really, I’m okay, thank you, though”.

He says, “No, no, I wouldn’t feel right leaving you here by yourself, my mama raised me right, blah fucking blah…”

I’m standing there at the counter, trying to figure out how the fuck I’m going to get out of this situation, while the employee is just staring blankly at my panicked face. My new ‘helper’ is asking to buy one, single, solitary bus ticket, then walking around the store holding up a stick of deodorant, asking how much it is. “SEVEN DOLLARS?! JESUS CHRIST”!

The first thing I could think of that would be the least disruptive, was to call Luke. I text him, “Need help, call me, need help now, emergency!” He calls me, proceeds to ask if I’m okay, if I’m being followed and I’m like, oh, if only you fucking knew. I muster up the guts to leave the store, with my magic extra set of hands appearing under my armpits again, and I hear, “Oh, are you on the phone”? We get outside, where my saviour, Mustang Sally, is waiting for me, I hop on, say goodbye to my ‘helper’, and scoot away at top speed (which is a little faster than jogging speed).

Moral of the story: I really do appreciate the help of strangers, and sometimes I might even ask for it. But as a 100lb tiny person, this is terrifying. And if you see someone who may be struggling, and they say no to your help, please, for the love of God, WALK AWAY.