life, love

People die. Everybody knows that. But no one really thinks about it, until it happens to someone close to them.

Today I found out that a colleague died, we weren’t close, but we went to school together, we had friends in common, and that was enough for me to feel sad, shocked and to put things into perspective.

I have always been afraid of dying — but that has to do with the fact I suffer from anxiety disorder and panic disorder — so when people I know die, I get very thoughtful, anxious and shocked, I don’t know it just gets to me, but, at the same time, it sort of calms me down.

It calms me down because it makes me realize that death is the future, I shouldn’t be so anxious about life. Cause no matter what you do, who you are, where you live, how successful you are, you‘re still going to die.

So for me, the only things that truly matter in life are the people you meet and the difference you make in their lives — that’s why I love being a teacher, I get to change people’s lives, I help them to be the best they can, I give them perspective, somehow. That is also why I love learning languages, so I can meet, communicate and touch as many people as possible. And vice-versa, of course, cause I learn a lot from my students as well and the people I meet and communicate with, they touch me as much as I touch them.

Well, that’s what life is about to me.

I used to think that life was all about finding the love of your life and being together till the end, but as a gay young man I don’t think it will ever happen to me.
In general, gay men are too sexual, they can’t really commit to only one person for a long time and also we are living in times where it’s easier to look for someone new than trying to make a relationship work — as I’ve read in a Vice’s article “ with modern technology, we have access to a functionally infinite number of mates”.
There are so many options, apps and possibilities out there, so they are afraid that staying with one person will make them miss out on life.
So, your love for them, the things you’re willing to do for them, the sacrifices you make for them, your essence, your experience, none of it matters.
They just leave you.

Well, maybe it has nothing to do with the gay community, maybe it has nothing to do with the time we live in, maybe it’s just my own bad luck, my karma. But the thing is, love is not for me. I know it’s not.

I’m still trying to recover from the last one who left me, it’s been almost 6 months now, but it still hurts. I still love him.
And I am pretty sure he’s fine, pretty sure he doesn’t even think about me anymore, pretty sure he’s having fun, enjoying life and I am pretty sure he’s met someone else. He is not missing out on life — at all. I’m sure.

Anyway, after him, I’ve decided I don’t wanna date anyone anymore. I don’t wanna love anyone, I don’t wanna be in a relationship — first of all, I couldn’t, even if I wanted to, I couldn’t, cause I am still in love with him. Secondly, I am not willing to concentrate my energy into relationships, cause I don’t believe they’ll last, I know they won’t, so what’s the point?

So, all my energy is concentrated into helping others, learning new things, meeting people I can exchange experiences with — touch them, be touched by the and make a difference.

Anyway, I just wanna get over that heartache and live life doing my thing, live for what I believe in, till death decides to pay me a visit.