WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?
That question was stuck in my head. No matter what I did, that was the one thought in my head — “what is wrong with me?”.
I am an anxious person, so along with my anxieties comes paranoia. Another very annoying problem that comes along with anxiety is the accelerated thinking syndrome — which means that I am always overthinking every little thing that happens in my day.
It is all very stressful, incredibly tiring and extremely suffocating.
So, when the question “what the fuck is wrong with me?” came to mind, I could not stop overthinking about it, creating different theories to the problem and being paranoid about it all.
And it all started because of a guy — how lame is that? Really.
Anyway, it is just that no matter what, I always seem to push boys away. I don’t know how, but they never stick around long enough. It could be because of all of the anxiety problems mentioned above, or maybe I am just not very interesting, or maybe I am not very attractive, maybe my dick is too small, maybe my room wasn’t clean enough, maybe I am too hairy, maybe I said too much on the first date, maybe I smell bad — here I am overthinking again.
It is just very frustrating when you want to be with someone but no matter what you do, they always leave you. Come on, Universe, don’t I deserve love and find someone nice to keep me company on this crazy ride that we call life? Well, maybe I think too highly of myself — and the Universe clearly does not share the same opinion — but I do think I deserve love! I deserve to be happy! Right?
I know I am good on my own, I love my own company and even with all the issues I have, I still love myself, but I want to find somebody — a partner.
Someone I can share my stuff with, someone who will be there for me, to support me, to enjoy the good things of life with me, to talk about things, anything, nothing! To have sex with — but not just empty, meaningless sex, I want to feel a connection, and make love, you know? Watch Netflix, try cooking recipes from random youtube channels, travel… I want somebody to love me for who I am, even being a crazy bitch sometimes — or most of the time.
It doesn’t look like it will happen anytime soon though, but it is OK, I got me. I love me!
I will be fine.
And in the meantime I will just continue overthinking, trying to understand what I have done wrong, trying to find the problem so that I can fix it for a next time.
But it is OK, I will be fine.