The Healing Power of Forgiveness

Elle Martin, certified integrative health and wellness coach and founder of SoHo Well+being, LLC

Forgive; to pardon, excuse, exonerate, or absolve

Forgiving those whom you feel have caused you harm can be a very difficult thing to do. This is also true of self-forgiveness, since many times we can be our own worst enemy. Most of us will have some sort of experience in this lifetime that will cause us to feel a sense of resentment or even revenge due to the actions of another person or group of people. We can also hold on to regret or shame from the choices we’ve made that keep us from truly healing and moving forward. Ask yourself, have I been holding on to past pain because I feel the need to be vindicated? Do I beat myself up over choices I’ve made that continue to perpetuate feelings of shame or regret?

It’s time to let go! But before you are able to do this you will need to take a moment for acknowledgement and accountability. The following stages are a guide to help practice the act of forgiveness. This requires a commitment, as forgiveness is an opening of awareness and can bring feelings and emotions to the surface. True forgiveness is a releasing of the need to be right or vindicated and the belief that even your enemies deserve your empathy and compassion.

VALIDATION — darn straight you’re hurting!

When I’m feeling negativity or have been treated poorly by someone, I provide myself validation of my thoughts and feelings. This is incredibly important, since many of us have been told as children that we should remain silent and not speak our truth. Once we are able to acknowledge our pain we can assess if we are responsible for any of the pain we are experiencing. This acknowledgment, as painful as it can be is empowering. It takes a great deal of courage to admit when we’ve moved out of our integrity or made a mistake in judgement, but it also moves us forward and assists in the emotional growth process.

Perhaps whomever has harmed you isn’t enlightened enough to practice forgiveness…that is not your problem as you’re working on you! When we focus the energy of what we are experiencing into our own emotional and spiritual growth we remove the need to focus on the energy on those that have harmed us (trust me, they are having their own experience). Ask yourself, is it worth stunting my growth for those who are not interested in their own? If the answer is no, than you’re already on your way!

How To Tips:

1. Morning affirmations — Start your morning with positive statements. Perhaps it’s as simple as a positive affirmation you say out loud, or maybe it’s a practice of writing in a journal. If you have spiritual faith, it could be a prayer. Whatever tool works for you, the goal is to acknowledge and validate your personal journey.
2. The company you keep — Take inventory on your friends, lifestyle and work environment. If anything is perpetuating negativity, begin to evaluate and perhaps even remove yourself from a situation, social circle, or even a friend (we’ve all heard of the “frenemy”). If something or someone isn’t perpetuating positivity in your life, let go. You may find you instantly feel empowered by taking control over your situation and happier without certain people or things you thought you needed in your life.

Holding on to negative emotions enhances cellular memory of the pain you are feeling, which in turn upsets the chemical balance of the body, causing physical and emotional stress to the sufferer.

EVOLUTION — who wants to carry emotional baggage anyway?

Now that you’ve validated your pain, acknowledged your part in that pain and provided yourself the gift of self forgiveness, you are ready to move into the evolution stage. This stage can be painful because as this is when you will need to truly feel something then do something about those feelings. Too often people instantly want to forget or get over it. We are even encouraged to get over it from society, family and our friends. Be careful not to move through this stage too quickly (or not at all). If we miss an opportunity to understand why we are making particular choices, how can we expect to progress and learn, therefore modifying our behaviors for future decisions?

When you hold onto hurt (even in your subconscious) you store it within you. We all know the preverbal “chip on the shoulder.” Pain stored in the body can come out in the form of illness and “dis-ease.” Many chronic illnesses have been linked to stress, anger, and depression. Holding on to pain leads to stress, makes you angry and cause enough hurt to bring on a depressive state. Ask yourself, am I ready to leave the need to be right behind? Can I move on with my life without the need to control other people and their behaviors?

Take the time to realize that all of human kind is imperfect. We are all going to make mistakes and hurt each other at some point. Perhaps asking why isn’t the question we should focus on. Instead, ask yourself how is the other person perceiving the situation? Can I relate to this person if I understand there is a completely different story happening other than my own? If you feel someone is causing you harm with intention, understand he/she may be working through some personal matter that you are completely unaware of. However, since you understand that dwelling in negative places is unhealthy, you are making the choice to move beyond blame or revenge and into a place of healing and growth.

For anyone wanting to know why there is so much darkness and cruelty in the world and how to make sense of it, I completely understand. There are things happening in the world we cannot make sense of. Instead of attempting to understand why, take the time to acknowledge that we are all having our own experience and attempt to focus on moving through this life growing from your experiences, both positive and negative. We are not here to avoid the bad things, but to find the courage to move through them when they happen, and come out the other side stronger.

How To Tips:

1. Mindful moments — Many times our inner voice is full of negativity and absolutely ridiculous stories about the what if, should have, could have, etc. Quieting the mind and changing the inner dialogue is imperative to the forgiveness process. Start with five to ten minutes of deep breathing in a quiet place, and if you hear that negative voice, flip the switch and create a dialogue of positivity. Be present about what you are mentally perpetuating, and modify accordingly.
2. Gratitude — It may seem as though much of our day is filled with negative messages. All you have to do is turn on the evening news to understand there is suffering in the world. Make it your choice to see the beauty in the world. It is all around you, every day. A simple smile from your child, the sound of falling rain, or the smell of your neighbor’s rose garden. Look to source these moments all day long and be thankful for them. Perhaps even a “pay it forward” action that blesses both you and a stranger that may really need a nudge to get them back on track to a positive mindset.

“Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others past and present, and by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.” ~David Mitchell

RELEASE — true forgiveness is empathy and compassion of both others and self

My mother has a saying, “release them with love.” Releasing with love is a blessing to those whom have harmed you and also a blessing to yourself. This may seem counterintuitive, but you’ve been through the validation and evolution stages so you’re ready! Love is a powerful gift and we can source it at any time if we choose to. If someone has caused you harm you have a choice to either dwell in a place of victimization or thrive in a place of courage and strength. Provide those whom have harmed you with something they may be unable to source themselves, love. It is the ultimate gift and is readily available if you genuinely desire to be free of negativity and on the path for emotional growth. Provide yourself compassion if you’ve behaved poorly, and consider it an opportunity and motivation to do better next time…and there will be a next time.

This stage is the most difficult and may take some time to fully embrace and trust that you’ve released others of the pain they’ve caused you. However, take a moment to understand that when you carry someone else’s issues you are burdening yourself and causing more harm. If you are moving through life in your integrity and with positive intention, when you are harmed you realize that anyone else’s cruelty is his/her own and it’s not your responsibility to fix or carry it. When you move through life this way you become less burdened and the stages of forgiveness become more fluid. You will find things don’t affect you the same way they used to — like water off a duck’s back. Moving through life this way allows you to release others to find their own way, because you’ve already moved on to a better place!

How To Tips:

1. Integrity check — True forgiveness will require you to be in your integrity. This means you must let go of any ideas of revenge or ill-will. When we want others to suffer (even if they’ve done something cruel) we are not in our integrity. Wishing ill-will on others only perpetuates ill-will to one’s self. Remind yourself it is not your place to judge others, and understand that things do have a way of coming back to source — it’s called a karmic boomerang. When we send out our intentions they should be pure, thus we will be free to move beyond the negativity.
2. Live with love — We are all on our own individual journey and have our own priorities to manage. However, we are also here to be in service to each other. Many of us are led by our fear, and we fear connecting with others because we don’t want to get hurt. We fear loving someone because we may experience heartbreak — we sometimes even fear we would never recover from such heartbreak. The reality is love in its purest form is a gift to both ourselves and those around us. When love is given freely and without expectation it adds to our lives instead of taking away. I’ve had people tell me love is hard. To that I say love isn’t difficult, but relationships can be. As humans we have a habit of creating scenarios in our mind that perpetuate fear. What if we entered into each relationship with the mindset that we were going to offer a gift to someone along with offering lessons and receiving them? Wouldn’t love be perceived as a blessing that helps us grow and not an emotion that we need to struggle to find and receive?

The practice of forgiveness will take some time, but if you commit to it, over time you will feel differently about the process. As humans when we are harmed in some way we move to a defensive position. This may have worked when we were cavemen, but we are evolving and our expectations for ourselves should also evolve. Take the time to practice these three steps when a situation comes up where you feel deceived, slighted, or harmed in some way. Once you allow yourself to experience your feelings and emotions differently you will find understanding in a place of calm and growth.

About the author

Elle Martin is a certified integrative health and wellness coach and founder of SoHo Well+being, LLC. Follow her on Twitter for health information and wellness inspiration. @SoHoWellbeing