Anne Chan

For example, creating a rule that your partner has to check with you before sleeping with someone new is something I always advise against. Anything where one person gives ‘permission’ creates a lot of pressure not only on the person giving permission to say yes to please their partner but also can create resentment if permission isn’t given.

You’ll often find situations where one person has convinced their partner to do non-monogamy and they create a hierarchy and rules (e.g. you can’t sleep with someone until I say you can or we can’t have dates until both of us have one) to try and protect themselves against the fear of the unknown. And that’s understandable but the problem with rules is that the more you make, the more likely it will be that someone will forget and break one or that situations in life will create problems.

So for example, I enjoy doing domestic things with partners. I prefer to have a partner who lives with me and where we establish a life together, maybe by getting a house together. The ideal type of non-monogamy that works for me is one where I have a ‘primary’ partner I can trust to ask for emotional support and where I have other partners who are more casual and who would give the same amount of emotional support I would expect a friend to give me. This is what works for me and more or less is what works for my primary partner, which is why we have that type of relationship.