Do I wanna know?

How many secrets can you keep?
’Cause there’s this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat
Until I fall asleep
Spilling drinks on my settee

This is starting to become a stuck record, isn't it? I saw the song and I hesitated before playing it, because I had shared a cover with Natasha, back before things started.

I shared it because it asks "Do I wanna know if this feeling flows both ways?" and I did want to know if what I was starting to feel was the same for her.

I'm reminded of the day when I asked her if there was something between us. She said it depended on what I meant by something. But she also told me that she had led me on, it was a bad habit she had, but she liked the attention. That she wouldn't ever return my feelings.

In a funny sort of way, I was almost glad. The classic unrequited love. I would get over it, but hey it avoided any difficult conflict of interest with Elizabeth.

What changed, why did Natasha decide that she would and could and did return my feelings?

Or did she just see opportunities for more attention, and a bandaid for her loneliness?

But what I wanna know now is: does this feeling flow both ways? Does she miss me, too?

Elizabeth asked if I had heard from Natasha this week. No, I said, and I don't expect I ever will. I am to tell her if I she does get in touch, or if I am driven to get in touch with her.

I didn't say anything about threadbare t-shirts with holes in them that I had briefly entertained giving to Natasha. That is no longer going to happen.

And while I cry out, and sometimes just cry, for her I won't try and make contact. If Natasha makes contact with me I will tell her I can't talk to her, that I can't do this any more. Because of what happened we can’t even be friends.

That's about as likely as her turning up on my doorstep, telling me she has broken up with her fiancée, and Elizabeth giving us her blessing to run off skipping hand and hand into the sunset. Which is not even something I want.

So now I play tunes on repeat that make me think of her and I wonder how she is, what she's feeling, and if there is anyone else in the world who cares about her as much as I do right now, or understands quite completely how she feels.

Assuming she feels anything at all, and isn't a serial liar or manipulator.

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