The Power Of One
‘What are they thinking of me?’
‘Jesus, I can’t be seen as a loner’
‘Omg, this is so embarrassing’
Such delibitating thoughts have raced through my mind before, and I know exactly how it feels.
You feel the pump in your chest (a discerning eye could possibly see the intricate movement). Blood gushing through your veins. Sweat droplets formed on your scalp soon be rolling down your forehead. Arms getting weak. I know how that feels.
These voices were loudest during high school. As loud as the EDM you were blasting into your ears using Beats. I know how that feels.
This led you to skip that Math class because it’s cool. Math is for nerds, it says. This led you to light that cigarette because it’s cool. At least Tom said so. This led you to drink 10 bottles of Corona at the party because it’s cool. If you don’t, they may not like you. They may not consider you ‘us’.
I want to tell you that under these circumstances, you do not actually like the taste of beer, cigarettes or the very act of skipping class. Your left brain says no, but your right brain says yes. Psychologists would call it Cognitive Dissoance.
But really, it is a rite of ritual. If you find myself describing you, I want you to know that it is okay. It really is. A passing phase, if you will. Just remember that one day you will love being alone. It gives you space to think and internalize thoughts. Just like how Freud talked about introspection.
One day you’ll realise the ‘cool kids’ are the real insecure ones. It has always been human nature to make up for things we feel we lack. Ever heard about how the noisiest person in the room is the most insecure one? By the same token, the ones who try to be influential are ones who are most afraid of not being able to influence.
Let me tell you something: You’ll only really truly influence someone with kindness. Some say instilling fear is a better method. My question is: Would they eventually take a bullet for you? If not, what kind of relationships are you building? What kind of friendships do you have?
You do not need to prove anything to anyone to gain their friendship.
I am writing this from personal experience, and I am still not completely out of it. I’d say I’ve come a long way, but I’m also learning how to embrace how I naturally react to situations. There are some people who naturally tend to give lesser fucks than others, good on them. Myself, I’ve always been someone who feel a lot. I catch peoples’ emotions just like the flu bug. For me to come this far, I’d say I’m pretty proud of myself.
The inspiration for this came about as I was sitting alone at Starbucks in NUS, enjoying some alone time. I thought about how I would be feeling so uneasy if put into a similar situation three years ago.
If you’re in a dark place, let this be a reminder that all is fine, that it is okay to be alone.
A small disclaimer: If you ever do develop a liking for cigarettes and/or alcohol, it’s totally fine. Just make sure you’re consuming them only because you sincerely like them. No one should dissuade you from doing what you like doing, as long as it doesn’t cause harm to them. (Yeah I know this is going to be extremely controversial)
