If You Get Turned Down Sexually, These Are The Only Two Words You Ever Need To Say
(And they’re probably not what you think they are.)
Imagine that someone comes up to you and gives you a compliment.
“I love your smile!”
“You have beautiful eyes.”
“I really like the way you handled that situation.”
How would you feel and how would you respond?
Most likely, you would feel happy, smile, and say, “Thank you.”
Now, imagine that someone turns you down sexually and you don’t get what you want or what you were hoping for.
“Sorry, I’m not interested.”
“I don’t feel like going back to your place tonight.”
“Stop. I don’t want to go any farther.”
How would you respond?
Would you feel angry, annoyed, or resentful? Would you try and push, negotiate, or try to change the person’s mind? Would you flip them off with a “fuck you” in response?
Remember that whenever you receive a “no,” it is that person’s attempt to take care of themselves and to do what is right for themselves in that moment.
It’s not about you.
There are only two words that you need to say in response to any sexual denial or rejection:
Accept being turned down sexually with acceptance and even gratitude. This means that the person you are with respects themselves, cares about themselves, and is doing their best to take care of themselves.
If you can, practice saying “thank you” in the same way you would if someone gave you a compliment. It might sounds crazy, but give it a shot and see what happens. Take a deep breath and then try saying “thank you” to someone who turns you down or rejects you sexually the same way you would say “thank you” to someone who told you that you have a beautiful smile. In both cases, you are hearing from someone’s heart.
Why the heck should I be grateful if someone rejects me or says “no” to me or rejects me sexually?
Because any “no” that you receive is a gift. It gives you honest information. It frees up space for curiosity and the possibility of a courageous conversation. It opens up an avenue for deeper connection, for understanding, and for compassion. It gives you new knowledge and the opportunity to have meaningful conversations, or it frees up space for you to move in a different direction entirely.
Sex and connection can be awesome, and both are at their absolute best when there is shared safety, respect, consideration, and care. It may not be a “no” forever, but if it is a “no” right now, honor it and be grateful you are with someone who values themselves and their self-care. Supporting them with a “thank you” is one of the most loving things you could do.
If you live in Seattle and are a male or female age 21+ interested in practicing giving and receiving a “no” in a safe, supportive, fun and playful space, check out The Play Experiment.
If you want to talk to someone about how to say “no,” how to receive a “no,” blocks that may be preventing you from feeling safe and saying “yes,” or anything else when it comes to dating, sex, love, or relationships, feel free to contact the licensed coaches and therapists of EntrepreneurLove here.
Good luck on your continued journey of discovery, connection, and love!