Adderall
The Past 20 Years
About 20 years ago, I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, or ADHD, for short. At present, there are two main flavors of ADHD — Inattentive ADHD and Hyperactive-Impulsive ADHD. Two years ago, I decided to get retested and received the following diagnosis: 314.00 Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, Inattentive Type.
From what I’ve read, this is often perceived as ‘spaciness’ within children and mood disorders or anxiety within adults. People with this kind of ADHD also find themselves frequently unable to maintain focus, recall events (forgetfulness), and listen to others. Based on the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders-V (DSM-V), six of the following symptoms must be present and causing a severe impact at school or work to merit a diagnosis:
- Often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes
- Often has difficulty sustaining attention
- Often does not seem to listen when spoken to
- Often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish projects
- Often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities
- Often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort
- Often loses things necessary for tasks or activities
- Is often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli
- Is often forgetful in daily activities
So, having been diagnosed with this at age six, I was started on Ritalin. At one point in high school, I hated how it made me feel so much, that I started shopping around for alternatives and even quit altogether for about a year. For those who don’t know what these things make you feel like, I can describe it as a dehumanization and numbing where you forget about everything but what you are currently focused on.
A scientific explanation of Adderall would be that it affects neural receptors in the central nervous system, increasing the effect of serotonin and dopamine. Now, why does this resolve the symptoms of ADHD? Well, ADHD is often the result of Dysfunctional Dopamine Release, which leads to a lack of dopamine in the brain. This deficit causes the brain to constantly be seeking out stimulants, resulting in the distractibility we often see in those diagnosed.
Adderall also causes the release of norepinephrine, which activates your sympathetic nervous system and causes your body to move blood to your major organs and away from your limbs and digestive system, vastly increasing one’s alertness.
The bad news is, that if you continue taking Adderall or similar for an extended period of time, it can retard your brain’s ability to produce serotonin and dopamine, over time. I felt as though things were pretty mild in my case, though, as I have only upped my dosage twice and only take the XR (Extended Release) version of this once a day or every other day.
Just a few nights ago, I was feeling deeply depressed and was unsure as to why. There is this nihilism and existential dread which has always seemed to underpin everything in my life and surface somewhat sporadically over the years (usually about once or twice a month). Usually, this leaves me completely incapacitated and I need to just sleep it off. Alas, the following morning I was still feeling pretty horrible — and while opening YouTube to watch a series on “The Lightning Network”, a video on Adderall appeared in my ‘Recommended’ section.
So, I watched the video and was surprised at the detailing of its addictiveness. I was surprised despite the fact that one of my buddies, had told me that he was going to quit Adderall because it was affecting his ability to feel pleasure without it. As I sat in my depressed state, I wondered to myself “When was the last time I took my Adderall?” And realized that it had been a few days.
I popped one of the pills and shortly thereafter, I felt back to 100%. And while that is quite comforting, it’s also pretty terrifying. Just recently I wrote a post on addiction and didn’t even consider the idea that I might be addicted to the focus and energy that Adderall gave me. I don’t even drink coffee, alcohol, smoke, etc… and yet I completely overlooked Adderall.
I had always thought of Adderall as a cheat code — why wouldn’t you use it if you had the opportunity??? Never had I considered the idea that I could be addicted to this — amazingly, when I was coming to grips with the possibility, I thought to myself, “It’s just one little pill, how could that do so much?” And then I started considering the possibility that my endless well of energy and the fact that I have been on a five hour sleep schedule for five years might all be derivatives of this “little pill”.
I’m going to be working to wean myself off of Adderall — the idea that a substance can have so much control over your mood mindset is absolutely horrifying to me. It’s unclear to me what damage has been done to my brain or what is / is not reparable, but I’ll be doing my best to undo that damage and move forward without this dependency.
Today’s Commitment
Take some time to identify and examine the things that you are putting in to your body. If you have any substance in your life that you take on a regular basis, try and learn a bit more about it. It could be the case that you have a negative addiction to something you didn’t even know could be either addictive or negatively impacting you.
