I Still Have My Wisdom: Pre Wisdom Teeth Extraction Thoughts

T-minus 12 hours and 22 minutes till I get put under. I’ve never been on anesthesia, never had a single surgical operation in my life, and the video they show every patient that fills you in on all of the side effects and worst case scenarios did not really help dampen my fears of being put to sleep.

The closest I’ve been to surgery was when I was running down the carpeted stairs in my childhood house, fell down a few of the bottom stairs and busted my eyebrow open. That called for about 8 stitches and a black catepillar-y looking eyebrow for a week or two. Minimal damage. I’ve also busted my chin open, but all they did was glue that together. Not a cool story at all, so I don’t mention that one whenever I am trying to one up someone else’s cool scar story. Honestly, I would never win that anyway.

I just stopped eating about an hour ago, because on the list of things to not do before the surgery, it says you cannot eat or drink anything 6 hours before the procedure. So I went ahead and doubled that time to 12 hours prior, just to be safe (and because the receptionist called me and said no food after midnight. Everything she says goes, and like most things in life, you get one shot, so I don’t want to mess this up for myself.) But the saddest part was that I had vegetables in my fridge that would go bad if I didn’t eat them tonight, because my diet the next couple of days will be mush and more mush until everything heals up. Oh joy. So it was me, some ranch dressing, and a very large bag of kale that I blanched and finished off. I think I just shed a mental tear knowing that my last meal was kale. The “greens” that taste like grass. Ohhhh the flavors of childhood.

I think the worst part so far was when I went into the surgeon’s office, watched the video, and met the guy who would be breaking and removing my teeth; that’s definitely the worst way you can put it. He was a very nice man, and he knew his stuff. But of course, he has done this so many times that it becomes a basic routine. He rattled off the process and everything that could possibly go wrong as if he were a speed-reader at the end of a medication commercial trying to fit all of the side effects they don’t want you to know about in the last 4 seconds of the commercial, while you the viewer sits there watching an overly excited elderly person walk down the street smiling and talking to literally everyone. Nobody ever looks that excited when walking, and nobody is ever that excited to see everyone.

The consultation with the actual surgeon lasted about 3 minutes. This is what actually made me nervous. This guy who I just met and now know for fewer than 5 minutes is going to invade my mouth and gums for 45 minutes. Can’t we at least do a little bit of wining and dining before hand? I’ll write a good review??? Oh wait, we can’t, because I can’t eat anything 6 hours prior. So it’s too late for that.

But he is a surgeon, and he knows what he is doing. He was just being as procedural and efficient as possible. I think I am just trying to humor myself before I have to be on drugs for several days. This is another thing that worries me. I’ve never taken hardcore pain medication. Will I get addicted? Will I run out? Will I try to buy some more pills illegally when the pain is gone in order to satisfy my painkiller fix? Or will I eventually turn into a drug addict and skip classes? (That last one would never happen. Well, I would never let it happen.) No one really knows. But I do know, that if it is anything like the effects of alcohol, I will not be a happy camper. I enjoy a social drink or two, but nothing crazy. I just don’t like that uncontrolled feeling it brings. And of course I could go without the post drinking recovery day for the rest of my life and be 100% satisfied with my decision.

Nevertheless, it is happening. Now it is only 11 hours and 33 minutes away. But I am prepared. Here is the list of groceries that I went out and got for my recovery starting tomorrow. Feast your eyes on its beauty:

  • Applesauce: the biggest jar they had
  • Pudding
  • Mousse: isn’t this the same as pudding? nah can’t be
  • Pumpkin pie filling
  • Peanut Butter
  • Cream of Wheat: I didn’t buy this thank the lord
  • Grits
  • Mashed Potatoes: the garlic & herb kind… treat yo-self?
  • Mozzarella
  • Pudding packets: because pudding cups weren’t enough
  • Tiny dairy/mango drinks in the hispanic food section: because why not
  • Canned pears
  • Whipped cream: to make fun snapchat videos obviously because I am a kid at heart
  • Hummus: gonna eat it by the spoonful
  • Sorbet: the peach kind
  • Tomato soup: the biggest can they had

(I recieved zero weird looks in the grocery store, but really, who cares what you buy in the grocery store…you’ve just got to do you. If you want a superpack of dunkaroos, then get a superpack of dunkaroos and ball out.)

So when tomorrow comes, let’s just hope I don’t say anything ridiculous to the surgeon afterward while I’m coming off of the drugs. And when I can’t feel my face (when I’m not with you), I won’t love it because I’ll be stuck eating the mush I bought while lying on the couch watching another season of Trailer Park Boys. But I will have my painkillers and thoughts of school in my head, which will hopefully be reduced significantly by the painkillers, and it will all be smooth sailing toward the end of the week. Maybe. Until school starts. Next Monday. But that is a story I will save for another day. Don’t wish me luck.

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