Amends

Honesty

Liebe JY,

We strive for things unattainable, but then again maybe they are only worthy of our endeavor because of that exact character. Total honesty cannot exist in any medium of communication. We choose the words that we write and speak, in the hopes that they will accurately deliver, but what they give, even at their best, is only a mimicry of the processes going on in our grey matter. It is a relief for the most part, since it would ridiculously restrict our mental capability if we had to be constantly conscious of our thoughts. The fact that we can be selective in our communication endows us with great freedom and power. Brutal honesty, devoid of any intention and motive, can never aid us in acquiring the things that we need and want. It can also be implied that words could be deceptive. I could in fact, easily lie in my correspondence and make you think otherwise. But I have absolutely no intention to do anything of such, and I believe that you know and agree wholeheartedly. My intention behind these words is only to share my life with you in a more complex manner, and lying will be of no help to that cause at all. But still, I believe that these letters will help us hone our selective communications skills as well.

Upon reading your post, I realized that I have never given much thought on what my age allows me to do, since there are so many limits to the activities that we can pursue at this age. The boundaries are expanded when we become legal adults, but I can only be sixteen once—but then again I can only be one age once, for twelve months. I remember consciously making the decision to not to use my age as an excuse. It was because I realized that if I hid behind my age, I would automatically be giving a reason for others to treat me a certain way because of my age. I still try to stand by that. I constantly try to better myself, to become a decent person, not a decent teenager, not a decent sixteen year old. So the notion that age, which is commonly associated with the amount and quality of the experiences that one could have had, and thus can endow someone with certain privileges and excuses feels very uncomfortable to me. It is also very sad to think that we can only be fierce and invincible for such a short period of time. If the stagnant quality of the human mind that comes with old age is what stops us from being that invincible when we are sixty -four, we should try our best to stop that from ever happening. It it rare, but attainable, the prime example being my mother’s professor, who is a rara avis in that he still allows himself to learn and accept new things, despite his old age.

I have made amends with a friend who touched an insecurity of mine that I never even knew that existed. I think of myself as a confident person, inside and out, so the surprising thing was not his words, but my reaction to them, and it was probably also a great shock to him as well, as I cut off all possible methods of contact after the conversation. Our silence went on for several months. But today I found out, through a group of other friends, that today was his birthday. So when I was coming back from school today, I called him. It felt like the right thing to do. I had to call him. I have never felt so sure of a decision. He picked up the phone, and we laughed. I’m not sure what we were laughing about. It could have been anything—relief, regret, our own foolishness, our lack of courage, the way I congratulated him on turning seventeen like nothing had ever happened—and it was like nothing had ever happened between us. The conversation felt the same as it did before. He was one of the people that I could connect with, and I forgot how rare and special that was. I shouldn't have blocked him, ever. He also told me that he couldn't find anyone like me, which is a nice thing to hear, but it is a true fact as well, since all human beings are unique. I remember the nights that we spent on the phone together for sometimes more than three hours, not knowing a single thing about each other, only having met each other once. We clicked.

We can never be completely honest, but I have begun to appreciate honesty more. By honesty, I mean being more honest about how I feel. Letting others know how I feel about them. I think that is the only way to improve circumstances, or stop a situation from getting out of hand. It is the only way to stop being misunderstood, and misunderstand.