Don’t be like me, i don’ know anything.

Don’t be like me, please!

I have a problem that I think nobody else does, except those who are with mental orders. For more than 8 years every morning I keep thinking that I haven’t done anything with my life. Every day and every hour I keep thinking were my dreams are, what I have done to accomplish those dreams and what should I do with my life. It is a everyday challenge and stress.

I’m 30 years old now, and I live in a poor country. After I finished my university I thought that it would be better if I get a job because my family it was not in a good condition. So I started applying at different jobs and every time I get rejected. In the same time, I keep reading a lot of books and to be sincere I build a confidence with myself that I am very wise man and if I get a job I can do anything to get a promotion.

Because I didn’t study much at high school when I began the university I have an urge to learn very much, I was so obsessed to learn everything. I built my own library with more than 400 hundred books. I keep reading and reading a lot while I have not get a job, I sacrifice every penny that I have and I became a nonsocial person. Because of the books I thought that my purpose in life is to make something bigger, to become someone that I have dreamed. But I forgot that I live in a poor country and that I think I am not free (even that I believe what Sartre says that “we are free no matter what happens”)

Because I’m a very sincere and very shy person I developed a world in my own. Every day that passes and after job rejected I keep closing at myself. I have started drinking once in a while. I started to become very pessimistic about my future and feel very bad about it. I think that I suffer a lot.

Then I started working for small projects once in a while and then I thought that I have to build my own world. So I started to focus more on reading and get a scholarship in my country. My friends and my professors are very proud of me, even some well knows professors in my country respected me not because I have founded some great results in my research but because they know me that I read and study a lot. Some of them encourage me to go abroad and to take a year.

I finally get a job, and now that I have more possibilities to learn and to take the IELTS course now my dreams are broken. Every night I keep thinking how to accomplish my goals, how to become a distinguish researcher in my country, how to became a good professor etc and every evening a forget about it because I have to work hard in an environment of full of nonprofessional’s coworkers.

I know that the only thing in life that matters to me are not the money, are not the fame, are not make a name but only how to become a good researcher in my field. I forgot how to focus and how to accomplish my goal because I live in a poor country when everyone could get a PhD and everyone could get a great job if they are engaged with politics.

And the funny thing is that I am so afraid of others what they would think of me but also that this is my first time in life that I have written an article without fear because I have a nickname. It’s a funny thing to think that someone in earth is so afraid of the other people that stopped accomplished the goals of his/her life.

The only think that I know, is that every day for me is a struggle in the morning on how to accomplish my goals and how to overcome fears because I am not secure what I want. The only thing that I know is that my search history in google says that I search a lot about books and science documentary.

I don’t even know if this article is written in a correct way, I have drink.