Honey do’s
Successfully managing family chores during Covid, part 2: Getting it done
Having understood the causes for conflict around chores in part 1, let’s take home some very useful practices from each of them, to help create a sense of fairness and teamwork, and make life more wonderful.
Remember there’s a deeper cause underneath, and it’s neither of you: Whenever the issue of chores comes up, try to remind yourself: “It’s not about the dishes”, and wonder what (need/s) it is about. Also: you or your partner are not the cause, and therefore not to be blamed. Blame is a very effective teamwork killer.
Look for and focus on the common ground and shared mission: try to wonder — and talk — about what is important and precious to each of you, behind not doing a certain chore or doing it the way you do, and behind your frustration around this or that chore being done untimely or subpar. What’s dear to my dear — is dear to me: Try to see that in fact all of those needs (order, autonomy, cooperation, ease, trust, etc) are precious to both of you (though probably not equally) and it’s, therefore, your mutual shared mission as a team to creatively find win-win ways to meet them all. Find a codeword like “same team” or “win-win” to remind each other in real-time of this shared state of mind.
Consider adapting better-serving habits: Try to identify habits and tendencies in yourself (not your partner! Analyzing our partner or hinting they should change is a very bad idea) that might be a cause of pain around chores. If you find any, ask yourself if you’d like to acquire a new habit that will serve you better, and what can you do now to start building that habit.
Focus on self-regulation instead of losing it on others: Try to work on taking the time to self-regulate when you’re upset, so you don’t lash out automatically, but choose how to initiate and conduct this conversation constructively. Use this time to identify your thoughts, feelings, and needs, and guess those of your partner. This way you’ll be able to have an empathic conversation about the real issue, rather than an argument about this or that chore, or about who’s right. Make sure to reflect, and preferably also validate, what each of you says to the other so that you both feel heard and understood. It may sound like: “It makes sense that you feel this way and that this is important to you”.
Come back to the here & now: when you notice your mind labeling — your partner, yourself, your partnership, or actions — try to shift your focus back to connecting to life, here & now: What you’re both feeling and needing now, what can be done now to meet those needs and make you both feel better.
Create clear, explicit agreements that work for both of you: Make a detailed list of who does what and when — currently — and ideally. See if you can redistribute the chores more evenly, in a way you both feel comfortable with. Then, make sure each of you does his/her own chores without the other partner asking. You can put the list up somewhere you both see it and check off chores as they get done. On the other hand, don’t be too rigid about it — leave room for an occasional romantic favor. Once the chores are complete, reward yourself with anything you can enjoy together, like a date night.
Thank your partner for their efforts: Harness the great power of appreciation and gratitude — it not only helps both of you stop overlooking, and thus appreciate and enjoy what is being done, it also greatly reinforces it. It’s much more fun and rewarding to do a chore when it’s overtly appreciated. So try to thank your partner (only if it’s genuine) for what they do around the house, even if it’s their assigned ‘job’, and even if you find them subpar or untimely. The more gratitude you give, the more you’ll meet your partner’s needs for acknowledgment, contribution, and motivation, thus the more motivated your partner will be to keep going and improve, the more you’ll create a safe, cushioned atmosphere to discuss your frustrations (preferably at other times!), and maintain intimacy, love, and connection.
Apart from the clear agreement which you two can do right now, each of these practical directions needs the practice to become a habit. It’s so worth it: Once any one of these habits is established — it becomes a recurring and improving source of positivity, emotional resources, relationship health, and resilience, that will smooth out not only managing your chores but almost every aspect of your relationship.
Here’s one place to start practicing your chore managing skills.
