Black Friday Injuries
Fall Alongside Unemployment Rate
Researchers at some of the nation’s finest research institutions have found that the number of brawls, back alley stabbings, and elbow drops during Black Friday is down from last year’s national average.
“It’s really mind boggling,” says U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics director Jim Jarmusch. “What have we come to as a nation where the chance that a person breaking a t.v. over someone’s head is slim?”
The study also found that the number of shoppers coming out of the E.R. with neck braces fell dramatically.
G.O.P. leaders blame president Obama for decreasing the unemployment rate. “Maybe if he increased the unemployment rate the number of injuries would go up.”
As researchers work on finding the cause, we interviewed one man—whose identity we’re protecting by only showing his silhouette. He says that the problem is America’s obesity. “People are too lazy to participate in this wonderful national past time.”
One man has already gone the extra step to exercise a solution.
We spotted Richard Simmons’s going door to door and encouraging online shoppers to take back what’s rightfully theirs with aerobic-style street fighting at area retailers. “Sometimes a good old fashioned rumble is just what you need to shed off those extra pounds from Thanksgiving.”