U.S. to Outsource its Patriotism

If you enjoy hot dogs, pizza, burgers, and beer like any other American, chances are you might have to hire a Chinese proxy next time you want to express your pride and appreciation for Old Glory.

Legislative officials are wrapping up final document details with Chinese representatives on how this will all work. “It’s simple,” says one congressman.

“Take Captain America for example. The next time you see him in an Avengers movie it will still be Chris Evans—visually. But all the body motions and risks will be of some some poor bastard on the other side of the planet trying to make a yen just to stay alive.”

Chinese cosplayer jizzes pants while awaiting to audition for Captain America part

This is not the first, in what has been a wave seeking to cut costs and maximize profits across the nation by exporting labor. And Hollywood isn’t the only one onboard. The NFL has already committed to outsource next year’s SuperBowl. How is this physically possible?

Technology is at the forefront of making this a reality. A proxy is strapped with sensors all over his body. Every motion is mapped and projected onto the screen. That’s what the viewer sees on TV.

“At the moment the results from the proxies motions are visual,” says a Computer Science and Mechanical Engineering professor at MIT. “But soon it will be physical. We can have a proxy do all the walking for the laziest limp American you can imagine. We’re just waiting for all the legalese to finalize.”

“We really wanted to go big,” said one Capitol Hill incumbent. “But we also have a back up.”

“Imagine a 4th of July parade. Instead of an average American shouting at the top of his lungs on the street after a long work week, he can hire someone to take his place while he relaxes in the comfort of his home. Eating hot dogs. Made out of imported Chinese meat. Which has long since expired. But still tastes semi-good.”

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