No, I don’t know…

i’ve been known to ask, “do you think…” and, the words, “if things were this way, do you think…” have crept out of my mouth. for years, those sentence starters have prompted conversations that i hoped would bring answers to comfort my often uneasy soul. that’s what it’s really all about, right? michael singer (author of the untethered soul) speaks about our manipulation of moments, our grasping and our resistance as ways of attempting to make the people and moments in our lives please our personal preferences. i’ve read the untethered soul before. i’ve heard michael singer speak about this before, but when i heard it yesterday, it knocked me down because i do that. i do that repeatedly. i’ve lived just like that- asking, grasping, resisting and acting like i knew. …and that’s why i’m currently residing in the space of “what the hell do i know besides this moment?” easy answer- nothing. even better- neither do the people i’ve asked my futuristic, hypothetical questions to. so- my current residence is uncomfortable. there’s not a cozy collection of words to cuddle up to. they were only an illusion anyway because if i don’t really know anything past this moment, neither does anyone else. and that’s the kicker- isn’t it? my questions were an attempt to get people to commit to an answer in a place that doesn’t exist yet. damn it. this is really uncomfortable. and, it’s exactly what singer writes about, how we spend our lives creating an internal facade so that nothing disturbs us. “as long as you are afraid of pain, you will try to protect yourself from it…most people can hardly imagine what it would be like to be at peace with inner disturbance. but if you do not learn to be comfortable with it, you will devote your life to avoiding it…laugh at it, have fun with it, but don’t be afraid of it. it cannot touch you unless you touch it.”

so that’s where i am- at the intersection of discomfort and illusional comfort, silencing the questions- trying to be still and in the only moment i know a damn thing about- this one.

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