unapologetically human

there can be no start to healing without accepting who we are right now. at this moment.

this thought strikes me like a cymbal this morning. i’ve heard it and read it a thousand times and taken it in cerebrally, even believed it, but it never seemed real. visceral.

now i feel naked in it. vulnerable and shaking in its truth. some seismic drumbeat. my cells seem to vibrate with the reality of it.

i am afraid of it’s awesome power. i am afraid of the natural disaster of myself quaking into consciousness.

aren’t we all?

the truth of ourselves is messy. it can’t be contained in a book, a program, an ideology, or behind the masks we wear. it spills its guts out and we hurry to stuff them back in, afraid for the world to see. afraid for the world to see how human we truly are.

we are apologetically human. as if there is anything else to be.

when i go to the mountains i can hear a deep humming within them. they are mountain and they sing of being mountain. you can feel their being. they don’t have to do or proclaim anything, they just are.

what would it be like to live like that?

that is the deep hum within me this morning. the question: what would it be like to be unapologetically human? to see ourselves in all our raw, uncut beauty. our shine and our flaws. our sharp edges and smooth curves. our inclusions and striations. our clouds and clarity.

i don’t have any answers, only these questions. and this deep hum that urges me to keep asking them, to keep stripping away the layers i have accumulated over the years. to un-insulate.

fear has been the guiding force of my life, it seems. that is the most humbling thing of all, that is the kick in the face to realize. it also weighs heavily on the heart. fear has kept me from my truth for so long i hardly recognize myself any longer.

but now i know it.

and now i know that there will be no true healing without standing in the midst of it, firm as a mountain (but with knees shaking), and declaring that i am worth living for. i am worth my heart’s true freedom. i am worth peace.

i am peace that has simply forgotten how to be peace.

so at this moment, on this hazy and hot july day, i am simply declaring that i, and we, are all worthy of being human. of being peace.

may our shaking knees, vibrating with the energy of the universe, lead us to true healing.