Faithfully Kind

Erica OGrady
Nov 8 · 4 min read

On love, and the promises we keep.

Dear B,

I have some news. But first, I want to say, thank you. Thank you for breaking my heart wide open. Thank you for seeing me, when I was unable to see myself. You told me I was the kindest person you’d ever known. You made me promise to never stop being kind. To never let the world harden me.

The night I made you that promise, I didn’t fully understand why you were so insistent. Why your voice trembled and your eyes filled with tears. Why you made me say the words, “I promise” out loud, then made me repeat them. “I promise Brian. I promise you, I will never stop being kind.”

I’m not gonna lie. There are moments I want to take that promise back. Moments I want to be anything but kind. Had I loved you any less, it would have been an easy promise to break.

Alas, I always loved you too much.

Which is the wrong tense. I love you still.

Casey stopped by the other night while I was making dinner for Dakota and the kids. She said, “A part of me will always love Dakota.” I knew exactly what she meant. I told her, “Of course you will always love him. Love doesn’t end, it only changes form.”

I knew what she meant, because Brian, I still love you. But, you are no longer my first thought when I wake up in the morning. You are no longer the person I yearn to share my most intimate thoughts with — you are no longer the only person whose opinion matters to me.

It’s not so much that I’ve let you go, as much as I’ve finally started to move forward, with you.

For so long, I felt stuck in time. Paralyzed by your death. Going through the motions of life. Pretending to smile. Pretending to be okay. Pretending one day I would be okay again. All the while, believing I would never allow myself to love anyone as deeply as I loved you.

A few weeks ago, Dakota called me and said, “You’re my favorite person in the whole world.” I never expected to hold that position in his life. I have known for some time he loves me. I have been absolutely certain of his love.

At the same time, I accepted he would never love me with the same depth or the same intensity he had once loved. I had accepted there was a part of him I would never reach. A part he had walled off, bolted shut, locked, and then meticulously destroyed the key.

It turns out, his key was only buried.

It turns out, I had buried my own key in the same tomb.

A tomb which nothing but kindness could unlock.

But, you already knew that.


Remember when I said I would never leave Boulder? Well, I lied. I’m moving about an hour North to a place you know well. To the city you grew up in, in fact. The city where you attended Rocky Mountain High School (Go Lobos!). I can hear you laughing right now. I can see the smug smirk on your face as you knowingly shake your head, resisting the urge to say, “I told you so.”

Who am I kidding? You were never one to hold your tongue. Not only would you tell me, “I told you so” — you’d also never let me live this down. So, go ahead and gloat. I’m okay with being wrong…this one time.

Somewhere above a cabin outside Walden, CO.

I’m moving because I love this man more than I love Boulder. Which is a statement I swore would never ring true. And the reason I know this, the reason I am certain, is because the other night when he brought up an even bigger commitment…I did not panic…I did not run (I didn’t even have a desire to run)…I held my ground. I felt unwaveringly confident in our love, and in our future.

He said, “Let’s pray on it.”

I didn’t need to pray on it. Which is what I told him later that night. I said, “I don’t need to pray to God. I already know my heart, and His will. So, whatever you think is best — whenever you think it’s best — I’m all in.”

Later I told him, “I would take kitchen-sink love with you — over fairy tales and fireworks and Hollywood romance — ANY DAY.”

Kitchen-sink love filled with a thousand ordinary moments making up a lifetime of ordinary days. Days brimming with kindness, adventure, honesty, conflict, laughter, vulnerability, disappointment, redemption, trust, grace, and love — a love that makes us Holy far more than happy.

Because what I’ve learned is, God doesn’t always give us what we think we want, but He does always give us what He knows we need.

And Dakota and I, we need each other.

I am sincerely grateful to be needed. Grateful for the unexpected blessing of his love.

Thank you Bri — for giving me what I needed, even if I didn’t understand.

Forever Faithfully Kind,
-E

P.S. Madison wants you to know she misses you, and she’s starting to get used to the new guy. He’s more bossy than you, and he doesn’t hold her and rub her tummy as often as you used to…but he’s consistent, thoughtful, and most of all — kind.

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