Socially anxious people pleaser or high-masking autistic?
There may be mixed feeling about this, but let me explain. For as long as I can remember, I have had meltdowns at the slightest frustration, suffered from social anxiety, been left out of most friend groups, and have a severely critical inner monologue. I have always been reserved and overwhelmed by people, and just always viewed myself as an introverted pessimist.
I majored in psychology in undergrad, and I cannot even tell you how many personality tests we had to do. Where are my fellow INFJs?? I remember when I took a Big 5 personality test and scored 85% in neuroticism, and though I was not shocked… I think that says a lot. I spent so much of my life feeling like my life was turned upside-down at any sudden change in my plans or schedule. I also felt chronically misunderstood and alone even when I had friends. I just thought I was a socially anxious, reserved, introverted, people pleasing, insecure little girl.
And then came…
There are many thoughts and feelings about people self-diagnosing and claiming disorders over Tiktok. I agree, many terms are overused and a lot of people see some symptoms that they align with and they prematurely diagnose themselves. I feel as if this can definitely contribute to the minimization and erasure of the struggles of actual diagnosed individuals experience day-to-day. With this said, as a therapist in training, I understand the significance of diagnostic criteria and thorough evaluation prior to assigning a label. I also recognize the disparities in autism diagnosis when it comes to women and people of color (I am both).
When I first started seeing videos of people with autism come up, I was confused, but then I felt so seen. Something clicked in me, and in that moment everything made sense. I went down a rabbit-hole and started making lists of all the symptoms I had, took an online test, and spent many days fixated on autism and how I related to it. I went back and forth — and still do — on if I truly identify with autistic symptoms and invalidated myself a lot. When it set in that this was a possibility for me, I balled my eyes out. I felt some kind of freedom I have never felt before, but I also felt so much weight because this meant that there was so much more to consider than I realized.
One of the worst parts about having this realization was that I felt no one would actually believe me because I am high-masking. All of the turmoil in my mind has been hidden since I was called too sensitive as a child. I began internalizing all of my big emotions and masking to the extent that no one would know how I was feeling even if I was intensely dysregulated. Masking played a role in people pleasing as well. I realized that I was mirroring everyone I would interact with because I felt they would like me more. I did it without even realizing it. I thought I was exhausted at the end of the day because I was an introvert, but it was really because I expelled so much energy mirroring others and took on personalities that were not mine. Before social events would happen I would rehearse how they may go and what I would say to any given person. I needed to have a script available at all times and these scripts were filed away for whenever I needed them. Even after social situations were done, I spent so much time replaying every moment in my head and picking apart how I acted and what I said. Have you heard ballad of a homeschooled girl by Olivia Rodrigo? That was my life and still is, if you want a clearer picture.
Though a lot of my experience has been insufferable, once I felt aligned with autism, I spent a lot of time trying to get to know myself, and embrace me. Through therapy, mindfulness, journaling, tips from Tiktok, and my own research, I feel like a new person. I feel more authentic (which I was always scared of being), I feel more connected to myself and other neurodivergent people, and I feel like a better therapist because of it.
I am fortunate that cognitive reframing, affirmations, and spiritual practices work for me. I have had a significant reduction in anxiety through breath-work and positive self-talk. It is shocking to see the difference in my social anxiety symptoms once I started to accept myself. Here’s a secret: everything you think others are thinking or saying about you are just things you think about yourself. Once you face that and reframe how you see yourself, you won’t worry so much about what others think.
I started accommodating myself. I carry fidget toys everywhere, and I even use them in session with clients since I provide some for them as well. They help me focus and release anxiety if I need to. I also purchased noise cancelling earbuds and headphones. I personally prefer the over-ear headphones with various settings, and I will usually listen to music, but I will occasionally just have them over my ears to muffle surrounding sounds to avoid overstimulation. I give myself walking breaks, or opportunities to go outside because that helps me feel grounded and centered.
I hope to get an official diagnosis one day, and I can write a whole other post on the lack of accessibility with testing costs, and diagnosis disparities when it comes to women and people of color. I hope to be an autistic therapist that is an actual safe place for autistic clients, and offer an understanding many have never gotten before. I know what it’s like to feel alone, misunderstood, left out, and constantly overwhelmed by everything around you and your own mind.
If this resonated with you in any way, diagnosed autistic or not, you are not alone.
