I’m sitting here, in my room with the air conditioner on and typing my thoughts and I asked myself “Why don’t I know what I want to do?” I just graduated college with a Bachelors of Art in English and I don’t have a clue of what I want to do with my free time. It’s been almost three months and I have been applying to jobs that I have experience in but not exactly the full confidence in and that is the problem. My problem, at least is using my free time as a gateway to being creative on my own terms but its just a matter of trusting my process. I’m still figuring it out as I go but I’m getting tired of figuring it out if I don’t know exactly what it is.
I KNOW WHAT IT IS, I’M JUST FOOLING MYSELF. (DON’T BE A FOOL!)
For the past week, I have risen at 9 ot 10 in the morning with the urgency to write and I surprisingly wrote what was on my mind. Unfortunately, these past two days has consisted of sleeping in late and eating veggie burgers and chips before I rise to even say “Thank you” to GOD for blessing me with another day. For five days, I have been the most consistent I have ever been since I graduated college, maybe even high school. Okay, I just lied. I have been gardening for over a month and every day I check on my herbs and flowers to see if there are any significant changes. I’m proud to actually see some results.
REALLY PROUD…
I have written four pages of my stream of consciousness and felt relieved to release my thoughts but in my heart, I know it wasn’t enough. What I do isn’t enough, I’m old enough to know. You see, I have this problem with resistance and that resistance involves fully pouring into myself and seeing the shit that is in my cup. I limit myself and that limits my experience of actually getting to know myself. I won’t pour until I get to the top of my cup because I don’t even give myself a chance to see what I’m actually made of which is another nuance for FEAR. For some time now, I have been wanting to create websites from scratch and include the content I create throughout my days to add the to the website but I know will take more than five days of research and two days of bullshit. I want to write a book too.
MORE IDEAS ARE COMING TO MIND BUT MY HEAD KEEPS SHAKING “NO”
I have to learn how to put my blood, sweat, and in tears into something that will raise me into being a better creative but the real question is: AM I WILLING TO GO TO GREAT LENGTHS TO SEE WHAT I’M ACTUALLY MADE OF? In some ways, I know I’m afraid of seeing my own capabilities and I know I am very capable of getting the jobs done BUT I’m in the way of my own success. It is understanding the process and honoring the process that scares me because for five years, I have been under someone else’s guidance and finally it’s time for me to spread my wings.
SILENCE.
See, I was just about to stop here but I want to keep going. I just need to believe in myself and it will have to take more than just a few days of writing and podcasts of listening to really get my shit together. I’m just tired of talking about it. Here’s to finally doing it. I think.
I KNOW.
