Writing on your birthdaye is like waiting for New Years to do something you want to do in your life.
The truth is, I was thinking of writing something for turning 30 but the times that I was thinking of this, was when the words to share were coming. I didnt jot them down but just left them for “now”.
Hmm…can I even remember what was said at that time….of course not. Does it matter…of course not. There is nothing I have saved up. My intellect can barely remember most things and actually trying to remember feels of no value to this type of conversation.
I suppose I will pose the question to myself and see what comes.
What has your time in this existence that you have had thus far, shown to you?
Great question. hmm…let me see
1. Getting older is a beautiful thing and watching the nature of my being transform has been a gift. So thank you to existence for providing me the opportunity to see this aspect of nature as the one that sits inside and gets to experience it.
2. There is a quote I believe by Socrates and he says”The more I know, the less i know”. When you dig deeper and deeper into something to find its source, the intellect can never grasp the actual experience. Intellect will only take you so far and the rest is up to….action maybe..grace…im not sure but thinking your way there is not it when you dig deep.
3. My existence is not just what I think of life. That seems to be version created by the mind and all that it has accumulated. It creates its own image on top of reality. Existence is who I am before the mind I so see as it acts out in its myriad of ways.
4. Closely linked to 3 would be that we very much are isolated in our little mind box and therefore cannot really get mad at another for not seeing the world the way we see it. This is the nature of our unique experience as a separate life experience that the mind casts into the manifested world. With this wisdom, it is easier to listen because you are not judging. Your simply listening to what is being said….or you are quite tired of words and you just watch their mouth move and you do some nodding. Ive experienced both and use both of these most of the time. the 3rd thing is judging and I catch myself judging on the things I am still attached to mentally that pop up in the blink of an eye and take over attention.
5. This existence offers the human being SOOOO MUCH. It offers them the experience of our senses and building something out of the material world. it also offers us the experience of the metaphysical world and deepening out experience within ourselves, which ultimately is our utter experience because nothing happens outside of us. You see another through you. You experience food inside of you. You experience the feeling of “love” inside of you. Your world is soooo insular.
6. Isolating yourself (which ive done on many occasions with many different forms as to why) can be beneficial if you are not lost in your mind. If you are lost in yourself you can potentially be digging yourself a bigger hole of isolation. Confirming you are the witness of these thoughts and not actually them..you can stay somewhat stable. So far in my experience with isolation, there comes a point where my mind needs or craves should I say, human contact. To what degree is primitive and what degree is compulsion or habit..I am unsure. Some people can live happily on their own with no one for years…this interests me and i am curious as to what is experienced inside this human as they live. I enjoy the thought of having this sort of freedom.
7. The older I get the more debt I accumulate. The debt I am talking about here is not money but sheer kindness, love,compassion,empathy, genuine caringness. I have been helped so much in this life so far that my being is so thankful that it can have the opportunity to one daye provide this for someone else. Most dayes this thought runs in the background and provides me with gratitude. Im grateful for this gift to be showered with such feelings most dayes.
8. Find people that you resonate with. Find people that lift your spirits wide and high. If your on a similar journey as them, this is absolutely amazing to experience it with people in the same journey. Life will provide many journeys (endless really). The one that you choose or the one that chooses you, surround yourself around those beings.
9. If life seems to be passing you by in the effort to get somewhere…please stop and go on a camping trip with a friend who needs to do this as well. Spend most of your time in solitude and let your mind calm down so you can have even 5 minutes with the very pulse of your being. The one thing I am grateful for was my ability to be alone. It can be a curse but I am so bloody thankful for my life that there is no way I cannot accept fully the hard times that allow me to feel this immensity of gratitude that flows in my veins. Dont get me wrong, despair flows at times as well but I know it is not me. Its just a passing feeling. Its just habit,compulsion, bodily movement.
10. I feel this will be my last one. I feel like I could continue till I just got tired and didnt want to type anymore. These are not lessons that I write. These are just what I am seeing at this moment. Many things of course will be left unsaid and rightfully so. It is okay with me. I have no compulsion to write a certain amount or a certain thing. I just write and from a place that feels good in my heart. I recognize that there is no right or wrong way to do this….the only way to judge myself would be that I set an expectation upon the writing of this. Which I didnt. I said I was going to write something and here I am moving my fingers over the keyboard pressing buttons that are trying to articulate what my mind is thinking at a much more rapid rate then my fingers can move. Hell, most of the time I am typing and get lost cause my brain is moving to fast. 5 minutes pass by and I finally realize that I have typed way to much and it looks very much like a blob of words. Which most writing is anyways. Filled with facts. Filled with mind stuff. I try and write from my mind but I find something else comes in and messes it all up (In a very original and authentic way). It is just the way I write and I’m not looking to improve upon it. I used to think I had to get better at writing but honestly…why did I want to get better? Because I felt I had to be more formal. But the way I write is the way that feels good to me and some poeple enjoy it and some people can handle the mumble jumble. I was talking to a friend the other daye and we each have the experience of reading books and not actually knowing what we read. We would just feel our way through the book. The book would be finished and we would determine the book by how we felt, not by what we learned intellectually. This is the experience I am after, something is after inside this body. It seems to feel more than listen to words. You need not get so caught up with words. They are subject to opinion and everyone has a different opinion (however similar it may be) to the words that are being written. So just enjoy the experience you feel inside. Let the words penetrate you or let the sound penetrate you if your chatting with someone. You probably already listen in both ways. You may have just not brought your attention to it. Next time your chatting with someone watch how your mind is taking all the information provided (not JUST WORDS). See how you are experiencing the situation. This is the inward journey. This is the journey all of us have. Just as if I ask you to close your eyes and place your attention at the tip of your nose…you will get a tingly sensation or another possible sensation but you will feel in that area. You can do the same thing but with your inner workings. What a joy it is to go in and listen to the sensations that you get from this. Maybe you start with the physical body and then work inwards to the realms of existence that are more subtle, such as your mind stuff. With practice you will begin to see how your world changes based off where your attention goes. Practice placing attention on certain things and you will be able to create awareness more easily….perhaps. I feel this description is accurate to my experience and also the lessons I have read in books. The yoga sutras would be one that I recently read where this method comes to mind.
As you can feel, 10 was a long one. But perhaps for good reason…or bad reason…or….no reason at all.
Anyhow…if your made it to the end, I hope you enjoyed not just the words but the experience you just had.
What did you experience? Was it a joy ride? What emotions came up. What buttons were pressed? Was it fun? Reading can provide a crazy experience into your deepest layers. Let situations dig inside of you so you can experience more of being a human being.
Mad love to you all, namaste family