Flackers: an awful ‘food’

By Eric Filipkowski, May 2, 2017

I am keeping this at least 3 inches from my mouth.

I am currently on a diet which requires me to eat no carbs. I’m not sticking to it because that would be crazy, but in an attempt to be good, I have begun searching out “healthy substitutes” to things I love which are on my no-no list.

There is a lie people tell that weight loss can be easy and you just have to find substitutions that have the magical properties of being delicious and good for you!

I love two things which are terrible for you if you are trying to lose weight: pizza and crackers.

I tried a pizza crust made from cauliflower that caused me to go back in time and execute my great-grandmother so that I would never be born and grow up to think that was a good idea and most recently, I tried “flackers.”

‘Flackers’ are grain-free “food items” made from flax seeds or some shit like that, aiming to approximate the texture and taste of crackers. So you can see I was hopeful this would work out.

Let me speak plainly: these are terrible. Imagine you see a dog poop on the ground and you pick it up and eat it, mistaking it for a Baby Ruth. You immediately spit it out, but now you spend the next two hours picking it out of your teeth and each piece you find takes you back to that initial awful taste where you realized with horror that you just put something that was formerly in a dog’s ass, in your mouth.

I wasn’t expecting white cheddar Cheeze-its, but maybe something bland and non-offensive, like Saltines or those wheat crackers you find on a fancy cheese plate, but no. Trust me, the taste is offensive. Someone should go to jail for this.


Oh, plus they are like ten dollars for a tiny little box of them.

So the moral is, just eat crackers and be a fat slob. Because frankly, diabetes and heart disease are better than the alternative.

Originally published at ericfilipkowski.com on May 2, 2017.