Game Theory 5, or How I Learned the Whole Story on November 9, 2016
One of my most popular “Game Theory” threads — greater in terms of audience reach than even the original — was published on June 10, 2017. This was two days after James Comey’s bombshell testimony before the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence. (My irreverent take on it here.) In it, I explained how much of the conspiracy about this coup I knew prior to the election, and how the true story was revealed the day after the election. And true to my Twitter writing style, I end with my unequivocal support and love of Western democracy and its institutions. Profanity and irreverence of course features throughout.
There are a few changes I would make today, but the spirit of the thread and how it defined the era of Trump-Russia is that I never made plans for these. I simply went real-time on where I was in the story. And so I present this without edits or post-facto changes.
GAME THEORY 5
STRAP THE MF IN, I’VE HAD ABOUT ENOUGH, SO GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS? <THREAD> TIME. Unfollow, mute, block or stay and learn a couple things.
I’m going to start this Official Game Theory Thread™ in a way few will expect — a story of me crying on the floor of my living room.
That’s right, Large Professional White Dude in a Suit is going to talk about crying. And I ain’t a damn bit ashamed, you would have too.
Here’s where we are on June 10, 2017: Almost everything has come to pass that I heard about on November 9, 2016 starting at 4am.
The morning after the election, as soon as America was barely sober enough to let the panic cortisol wake them up, I got messages- bad ones.
See, many of us who Actually Know How Shit Works had been tracking this Trump-Russia mess from way out. All through 2016.
See, scumbag traitors like Mike Flynn — former DIA head who got turned by Russia — don’t just end up in a presidential campaign. That’s Bad.
US presidential candidates don’t start fellating Russian dictators on the campaign trail — or comment on foreign leaders AT ALL- unless Bad.
And I’m sorry, Wikileaks is “publishing” DNC hacked emails? Do you need this in f**king finger paints written out? Jesus, how obvious.
So we watched. And conferred. And most of my people thought, “OK, this sucks. When is the pee tape dropping? Where’s the dossier? COME ON!”
OH, DID BUZZFEED TELL *YOU* ABOUT THE DOSSIER? Yeah. Not a surprise for everyone. The world is about asymmetry of data and analysis. LOL.
Like Mr. Comey has since admitted, most of My People thought that Hillary was ahead by such a margin, we could deal with the GOP “after.”
There was a zero percent chance that every single damn statistical analysis of the political polls would be wrong simultaneously. Unless.
I mean, don’t worry — this is a *potential* nightmare of historic proportions. But they’d have to, I dunno, hack EVERYTHING to pull it off.
We have enough warning — and so do our NATO allies — that, really, are they going to just allow this? But it’s OK — the polls.
You were as likely to pole vault over the Pentagon on Number 2 pencil as you were MI, WI, NC, and the rest being off 5% simultaneously. So.
Math doesn’t give a f**k if you believe in it- math believes in you. Stats believe in YOU and how coins flip. It’s pretty much a science.
So. There’s a one in 5 quintafuckingzillion chance all of those poll are wrong simultaneously on the same Tuesday. You know, unless.
Unless they’ve hacked the actual damn voting machines in combination with domestic traitors repressing the vote on an unprecedented scale.
And we’d heard some of that. But, not a 500-alarm fire, which it would obviously be, because invalid election, and whooooo crazy. So.
A TERRIFYING REALIZATION, AND NO HELP IN SIGHT
Nov. 9: When the cortisol kicked in halfway through the dark, I got my first signals: Holy. Fuck. They’d. Been. Planning. This. For. Years.
Me: WTF. This can’t be happening. “They got the drop on us. They had some shit they kept hidden. And some Americans were in on it.” Fuck.
“What the hell? We didn’t just let…” “They have us surrounded. These hacks went way beyond what anyone expected.” “FUCK.”
I got about one hour of sleep every day going forward, for a while. Ryan and McConnell grinned these scared grins. Obama left for Europe.
Barack Obama immediately went on a tour of NATO countries after the election, exactly how nobody does. Hillary smiled politely. Bill, too.
Ultralefty douchebros: You think the Clintons are simultaneously Satanic corporatists, who politely, quickly left The Game? F**king morons.
The following week, Trump broke every tradition. He did NOT immediately go to the State Department to call our allies in order.
Trump did NOT go right after State over to the Pentagon to shake hands and assure the Peaceful Transition of Power. He waited. FOR ORDERS.
BTW, how GODDAMNED IRRITATING IS IT that the Media, with it’s DC bureaus and money, couldn’t figure out when this went so off the rails?
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THAT YOU DIDN’T KNOW THIS WAS A SIGN OF TOTAL ABNORMALITY? You wanted to go to Mar-a-Lago? WHAT THE FUCK?
No, Trump — LIKE NO PRESIDENT EVER DOES — hung out at Trump Tower and had meetings with Putin cum sponge Nigel Farage, Marine LePen, others.
They made like a 3 second phone call to Office of Management and Budget — America’s Checkbook — and didn’t call back FOR WEEKS. WTAF???
But the media — including Sudden Skeptics Joe & Mika — planned to Prepare for the Trump Era! Because, well, I guess this is it! Normalcy!
All of my normal networks were jammed. This Was An Incredibly Bad Thing, Please Hold, We Are Snorting NyQuil, Your Call Is Very Important.
We arrive at November 14, possibly the Worst Day of My Life. There were NO SIGNS OF LIFE ON TEAM PATRIOT. Nobody was saying ANYTHING.
Nobody who usually knew things, knew anything. Or knew of a plan. Which we assumed, there must be. But no. There. Please hold. *SNOOOORT*
Mon. Nov 14: Putin makes Trump a Cossack of the Russian Empire. Its highest civilian honor. See, we’re to be a province of Russia.
That’s what I heard the morning of November 9, which was The Worst Fucking Thing I Ever Heard, So That Can’t Be Possible.
I heard that, while this was a long-shot, the plan was to have Trump and Flynn dismantle America, from the IC on down to every institution.
IC has to go first — they know too much, obviously. And that itself seems insane. But. Hey. If America believes this is legit…why not?
If America’s predictable, normalcy-creating, profit-making media makes it out to be normal, hell, maybe even THIS scenario might work?
I don’t believe Russian intel thought it was likely — but hey, if we sneak one by the goalie, that’s the Go-Ahead Goal! Advantage, Russia!
There’s strategy and tactics. You set a strategy to subvert, and you plan for as many tactical scenarios as possible. Then you improvise.
So Nov. 14: Trump becomes Cossack of Russia. They announce Trump will be meeting with Putin MAYBE BEFORE INAUGURATION (WTF ARE YOU KIDDING?)
Then, it’s announced all Trump family members will receive Yankee White clearance at the White House. On TV. Top. Security. Clearance.
Then, there’s a trial balloon floated about Awful John Bolton being SecState. It was on HuffPost. I believe under Entertainment.
That last bit — the “entertainment” part — that’s when I broke. My brain had received its maximum input. I went to the floor and cried.
I cried and I prayed. I asked the Gods humbly for strength and mercy for my children and for guidance. And I prayed. And I cried some more.
Because Where Is the Fucking Cavalry? WHERE IS THE FUCKING CAVALRY? THESE GUYS AREN’T THIS STRONG. THIS MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE AT ALL.
THE CAVALRY ARRIVES
And mercifully, the Gods gave me enough solace to find some sleep. When I got up, there was John McCain. And dude was pissed off.
STATEMENT PRESS RELEASE THINGEE: “UM, YOU WILL F**KING NOT ACTUALLY LOWER SANCTIONS ON RUSSIA, AND PUTIN CAN EAT MY ASS. F**K ALL THAT.”
And I called some of my friends who were suffering. Yo. CAVALRY. MCCAIN. CHECK IT.
“Naw man, it’s over. We’ve been abandoned. This over.” “YO. McCAIN IS ONSIDES. HOLY MOLEY — GRAHAM IS SMACK TALKING TOO. CAVALRY, BABY!”
Now, in the intel world, we call this “weak signals analysis,” where you try to see your various scenarios come out based on little info.
In that week, everybody had been so stunned, nobody had really done much but listen. Nobody was talking back to this TREASON. Then, McCain.
Just shy of four weeks later, there were those tracking that No, This Was Not Right, and a Resistance was forming up.
Among Resistance, those who knew This Was All Bent were clamoring, Why Won’t Obama Save Us? We Are Lost! And I got writing one time.
And I was frustrated that nobody else was following this, so I started, “Hey Guys,” et cetera. But now, we’re at the Beginning of the End.
HOW THE DEEP STATE SAVED US
This Story is about to come out. But here’s the crazy thing. So far, people have just accepted that there IS a story at all.
*Some* of the media has finally put out a story given to them by patriots in our government. They missed it entirely. And would again.
But even after unprecedented insane behavior by this “president,” after the investigation and removal of some traitors, we’re still early.
The media is still treating this as Maybe a Normal DC Thing, Let’s Maybe Talk Watergate As the Extreme? Nope. Missed it. This Is History.
This is Real History, that thing you can’t predict or understand in the moment because it’s so f**king insane. That kind. The real kind.
Because, like I said when I started, the most insane story I’ve ever heard, the one on Nov 9, has come true. Except: Comey.
This most insanely vicious and ambitious intel Op worked — amazingly — as planned except for a couple things: 1. Our IC is really good.
2. Our allies’ ICs are good too. So, you see, National Security institutions are there to protect the Security of the Nation. And did.
See, Russia DID manage to position all of its compromised assets and unleash all of its hacks- including the Snowden tools — simultaneously.
And America’s politicians mostly likely to fuck their nation for their own benefit did so with gusto. And Media helped! Like planned!
The craziest, most aggressive op ever — mostly designed to get a little respect for Vlad — accidentally worked. Too well. Oopsie!
But there were TOTALLY right about some Americans’ microeconomic incentives, from crooked Reps to asshole ideologue journalists. NICE WORK!
Just one problem: COMEY. Did I say one? I meant COMEY, CLAPPER, YATES, and the rest of…INTRODUCING…THE ENTIRE F**CKING DEEP STATE!
And by Deep State I mean Dork State, the people in boring offices with skills you’ve been able to forget about, who keep an eye on things.
See, like always, the Russians innovate this covert stuff out of necessity, and we innovate defense because of the Russians. Same as ever.
And you see, because the Deep State has been so good at their jobs, the media has been able to f**k up NatSec stories. Isn’t that fun?
So: once more with feeling, since the Media can’t do its f**king job without handholding and STILL can’t quite do it — here’s a preview.
This whole thing was going to end up with Bobby Three Sticks or somebody else Completely Independent to Unfuck This Situation.
The IC and law enforcement have been like sous-chefs working for Chef Bobby — chopping garlic, making stock, etc. ORDER UP, BITCHES!
DID SOMEBODY ORDER 200–1000 PLATES OF AMERICAN JUSTICE? WELL GET ME ALL THE COOKS AND SERVERS YOU GOT. HOPE YOU’RE HUNGRY!
Because we’ve got espionage, money laundering, and more statutes broken than we have kids coming out of law school — which is unexpected!
See, this is the big secret- hope you’re sitting down. A whole bunch of people apparently heard this was coming. And picked the wrong team.
We’ll know in the coming months just who, but suffice it to say that there were those who were sold this long shot as The Big Fix.
That in itself is an Intel Op: tell some people, Oh Shit, There Is This Can’t-Miss Plan, SHHH and see which dipshits jump at it.
You know, take a nobody Congresscritter like Devin Nunes and tell him that if he Plays Along, he can be a Big Deal, and not a cowpoke.
SHHH — DEVIN — YOU CAN RUN THE IC WITH MIKE. SOOPER SNEEKY! YOU IN BRO? And then when he realizes he picked wrong, holy f**k it’s funny.
Man, when Flynn — who’s nuts, BTW — gets pinched, they all realize that It Didn’t Go How They Said. Shit, RUSSIA PROMISED!!!
Also, Rudy had this in with people who were gonna shank Hillary, Chaffetz was in, and the Russians have Big Computer Skills! Can’t miss!
And don’t worry, The Fix, Like, Can’t Miss. FBI is maybe even in! (Which is why Comey had such a straight face for a while.) But. Oops.
FBI wasn’t in. And Mike got pinched. Sessions recused. Nunes jumped pantsless out of his Uber. And Russia…offered to send us Snowden.
See. There’s apparently audio of Ryan. And others. And… Well, the real story isn’t even hinted at yet. Which is why this is nuts.
My God, it’s so adorable to see skeptics start to realize they better hedge bets. And the “conspiracy” articles? Pathetic.
For those not yet on the boat, I say, “Relax!” You missed the boat. It left and you were on it. It’s OK. Nobody needs you. Anymore.
For the rest of us, actually tuned in, OMG HERE IS WHAT’S COMING: Full exposure of the worst people in our society! SQUEEEEE!!!
See, these Russian bastards shopped a lot of potential traitors. Not just in America, either. Canada, UK, France, and elsewhere.
POLITICAL PEARL HARBOR, some called it. Because it was, in espionage terms, like going from B-52 bombs to Fat Man and Little Boy.
Hats off to the RIS, they do clever work. So clever that it will probably end with Russia’s economy collapsing and Putin’s end, but still.
They not only used their most powerful, unexpected cyberwarfare tools on the West, but unleashed decades of kompromat. Full court press.
And HOLY SHIT DID IT WORK. Boys, you had us scared for a while. Clapper, too. Comey, too. MI6, too. DGSE, too. YOU SCARED US, YOU GUYS!
IN WHICH I THANK PUTIN FOR HELPING US LOVE DEMOCRACY
See, you crooked Russian Chekist fuckbags, you had us, for a moment, thinking that Putin was something better than a spy with a gas station.
But. You’re not. Putin’s not. You’re no better. We are. Democracy is. NATO IS. FUCK YOU GUYS, HOPE YOU HAD FUN.
Just like all the Star Wars end with a guy flying through a trench to blow shit up, I end threads with LOVE AND AFFIRMATION FOR OUR VALUES.
I WANT TO THANK RUSSIA’S MURDEROUS THUG SPY FUCKBAGS FOR THIS REINFORCEMENT OF WESTERN LIBERAL VALUES. Yes. I want to thank you.
I want to thank you for testing America’s IC and revealing it one of our best, most professional, and essential institutions. Thank you.
I want to thank Vladimir Putin for personally using HIS assets to Rotorooter out America’s most cravenous ass-faced traitors. Thanks, homie!
I’d like to send a shout out to Russia’s information warriors for finally pushing annoying assbags at FoxNews into outright treason. Woohoo!
I’d like to thank Donald Trump — who will die in prison — for showing us why Civics needs to be in EVERY HIGH SCHOOL CURRICULUM!
And to sum up, I’d like to thank America’s traitors and their Russian handlers for making me cry on the floor in my living room.
I don’t think I ever knew how much I loved this country, its people, and our (flawed, hypocritical) system before I thought I’d lose it.
Because I didn’t think, Oh, I’ll just move to Canada, though I adore the place. See, the world needs America. The Real America.
The Real America may be mostly a concept and a dream, one to perfect, one that obviously still has massive fissures and hideous problems.
But The Real America is the one yet to exist, the country where people take refuge, one where they root their dreams of the future.
America is not the only country in the world. It’s not the “best” country. But it’s irreplaceable. It’s an R&D lab for the future.
This is a place that discovers new ideas, a country that supports human rights precisely because of its complex, stained history.
America doesn’t have an ethnicity (sorry, alt-right dicks) — it has a set of ideas and beliefs about A More Perfect Union. All may belong.
Can’t do that in Norway. Can’t do it in Scotland or Thailand or Singapore. But you can do it in America. We Will Keep This Country.
We, The Resistance, have decided to lead — that we will keep this country, keep its promises, keep its safe passage to the future.
When we created this nation, Ben Franklin said we had, “A Republic…if you can keep it.” Here’s what I want to say back, every day:
That’s all America has: a bunch of awesome ideas from flawed dudes who didn’t live them either. That’s why we have a future.
Because, if we fight when those Awesome Ideas are threatened, then every day, we get closer to A More Perfect Union.
We’ve all received the test of our lives. I’m PROUD to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with those who said I WILL KEEP THIS REPUBLIC, HELL YEAH.
So my friends — we’re at the beginning of the end of the treason, and the beginning of our next chance to Do Better. You ready?
First, it’s going to get WAY F**KED UP and people are going to throw tantrums over ideology and it could get super rough, even.
You’ll probably hear How Bad This MIGHT Have Gotten and get scared out of your minds. But we’re way better off than we were Nov 14.
Now, it’s time to protect freedom, cherish our neighbors, strengthen our resolve, and seize the future with strong and active faith.
It’s a sweet summer night in America. God Bless America, and all nations, not one single person left out. Love you all. </THREAD>
Originally published at ericgarland.co
