It’s Time For An

American King

our legislators suck. let’s get rid of them

By Eric Hulting

I’m over politics.

I never in my life thought I’d be writing that phrase. I was the 8th grader getting into political arguments on the bus about topics I really didn't have a true grasp on. I was the idealistic 17-year-old who naively donated money to the Obama campaign before I could even vote. I was the kid who spent a huge portion of my weeknights in high school watching The Daily Show with Jon Stewart beside my parents, trying to soak up all the knowledge I could about how this wacky country is governed.

I loved how politics was essentially a battle of intelligence, two parties with clashing ideologies dueling it out to decide who got to shape the policies that, in turn, shaped the USA and its society. I thought that one day, maybe, possssibly, I would even run for public office and join the shenanigans.

But that was before the system broke down. Nowadays, our government does literally nothing. The two most recently elected Congresses — the 112th and 113th — rank #1 and #2, respectively, on the Least Amount of Bills Passed In American History list, and their dismal approval ratings (15%???) are just as historically awful. They’re bums.

Here’s the situation: Republicans won’t allow legislation that will in any way bolster President Obama’s legacy, and Democrats won’t allow legislation that gives Hillary’s conservative challenger anything to brag about in the upcoming elections. Political campaigns are largely decided by who has more money, and lobbyists have come to possess a relentless and harmful grip on the legislative process. If George Washington came back and saw the mess of a government we have here, he’d probably pee his pants in horror.


Let me drop a quick disclaimer before you disregard this whole thing as biased. I don’t give a shit which party is in office, as long as they’re making power moves that enable our country to live prosperously, sustainably, and independently. I think Republicans have an idiotic grasp on social issues and that Democrats don’t understand the ASTOUNDING financial crisis our government is headed toward if we continue spending like we are. Thus, I’m independent. Fuck a political party.

Here’s my Coors Light Bold Statement ™. It’s time for America to implement a King. Our country needs a benevolent dictator. I’m not talking some Hitler-Mussolini offshoot, I’m talking about someone who uses their totalitarian control in a positive, non-oppressive way. Someone who understands and empathizes with the public, and works with experts to develop laws that benefit the country as a whole. But most importantly, someone who can actually DO something when it needs to be done.

I get what you’re thinking.

“hulting our country was literally BASED on not having a king. FREEDOM BABY!!!! you’re dumb and anti-American.”

First of all, easyyyyy. I love our country. I’m proud to be a citizen here. Second, I’m not dumb. I learned about the establishment of America in first grade just like you, where we were told about the EVIL TERRIBLE HORRIBLE King George III and how his oppressive policies forced us to create our own country (never mind that many of our Founding Fathers were huge into the smuggling game and simply wanted a relief from taxes).

And I've taken European history, where we learned about the EVIL TERRIBLE HORRIBLE kings of the medieval days, where, devoid of accountability, the dictators essentially did whatever they want with no regard for the public.

But times have changed. We have social media and 24 hour news stations. A king in America today couldn't just do whatever they please with no repercussions. They would still have to win elections and garner public support. They just don’t need to wait for legislators to do the work for them.


No disrespect to John Locke, Tommy Hobbes or Mr. Rosseau, but that cool little system of checks and balances you guys developed just isn't working right now. All it’s done is create a state of persistent gridlock with no end in sight.

AGAIN: THE PAST TWO CONGRESSES HAVE LITERALLY DONE THE LEAST LEGISLATING OF ANY CONGRESS IN THE 239 YEARS THAT AMERICA HAS BEEN A THING. THERE’S BEEN 2 AND A HALF CENTURIES OF LEGISLATORS AND YOU GUYS ARE STILL THE WORST OF ALL TIME.

Personally, I want to live in a country where we can attack problems quickly and efficiently. A place where we don’t have to wait for a bill to go through sponsorship -> committee debate -> committee approval -> Senate floor debate -> Senate floor approval -> House of Representatives floor debate -> House of Representatives floor approval and FINALLY Presidential approval. Because DAMN bureaucracy can be a buzzkill.

It’s 2015. And I’m no political science major, but there’s gottttaaaaaa be a better and faster way to go about these things. And maybe instituting a king isn’t the best way to go about it. Maybe it’s crazy. Maybe it’s drastic. But we have to change something. And you know what they say: crazy shit calls for crazy solutions. Or something like that. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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