What Big Little Lies Got Right About Domestic Violence

Ericka Murray
Jul 10, 2017 · 4 min read

Have you watched Big Little Lies? It took me some time to discover the show, but once I did I binge watched it this weekend. Spoiler alert ahead for those of you that haven’t finished either yet — what are you waiting for?

Within 7 short episodes many of us fell in love with following the stories of the woman in Monterey, California. At first it felt like we would be offered a glimpse into a world that would be un-relatable to many people. The homes were massive, the lifestyles seemed glamorous, and the ocean views looked like a vacation destination to most of us.

The show quickly surprised me when it showcased a lot of real world issues in such a short period. Infidelity, sexual assault, bullying, divorce, murder, gun ownership, and so much more. One of the biggest themes for me was showcasing the domestic violence issues between Celeste and Perry.

In the show, Perry becomes increasingly violent with Celeste. Verbal and physical abuse leads to couples therapy, bruises, hospital visits, and one of their sons imitating the violent behavior at home.

In one scene Celeste’s therapist insists that she prepare to leave Perry, and that she needs to start setting up the accommodations now before it is too late. This had me curious to find out what advice professionals would give in a real-life situation.

What should you do after the first signs of violence?

Any violence from your partner should not be excused. One of the hardest things a victim will face in a violent relationship is knowing when to leave. If you accept from the beginning that you do not deserve violence you can start to make your exit strategy a reality.

The first thing you should do is to alert someone of the violence you are experiencing. If you do not want to speak to a friend or family member you should consider telling a doctor or therapist. You want to have someone you can turn to that will be ready to assist you if the violence escalates.

Family divorce lawyer Steven Miller recommends that you speak to the family law clerk or your local domestic violence shelter for information on what rights you have and what resources are available to you. If you do decide to continue with a divorce you will want to document any abuse in a journal and with photos of your injuries to assist with your divorce case.

Should you set up a new home before you leave your abusive spouse?

The National Domestic Violence Hot Line has detailed information on recommendations for planning your leave. The most important factor is your safety. If you do not feel safe you should call 911 and they can help protect you, and connect you with organizations such as The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

If you have the time to plan ahead it is recommended that you identify a safe place for yourself to go. If you can feasibly set up a new home or stay with a friend you will want to set up a plan in place for getting there safely. Celeste made a critical mistake on the show by setting up her new apartment with her home phone number. You will want to get a new phone number that is unlisted as soon as possible to avoid this.

A local shelter will be able to help you if you do not have the resources to live on your own just yet.

What if you do not feel like you have the resources to leave?

It is very common for woman to feel like they are unable to leave because they are scared they will be living in poverty. If you are safe enough to plan ahead you will want to prepare as much as possible. Set up a bank account in your own name and save as much money as you can. Some experts would recommend that you take 50% of what is in any shared bank account before you leave. In a worst-case scenario, you might be required to pay some of that amount back. If you live in one of the nine community property states you are legally entitled to half. Prior to leaving remember to change all of your passwords, and take your name off any credit cards you might share. You do not want your spouse to max out the cards as a way to force you to come back.

What should you do if your children start to show signs of violence?

It is common for children to show many different behaviors after witnessing domestic violence. You might notice that they show symptoms of more stomach aches, bed wetting, and could use aggression to express themselves with peers.

The Childhood Domestic Violence Association has found that children that live with domestic violence can have significantly altered DNA. They suggest that it ages them prematurely 7–10 years and makes them 50% more likely to have an alcohol or drug problem. It is important to get your child out of that environment as soon as possible and seek the help needed for them to understand what is happening. It is not an easy topic for children to deal with, but unfortunately if they are old enough to process what they are seeing and hearing you can no longer ignore addressing it with them.

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